Happy to be with my li'l one

This post is due long back....was being drafted in my mind since 3 weeks...so finally sat down to post it tonight

My little angel always visits me in my dream, when i am totally immersed in nostalgia...I talk to her all the time, all through day and night. I see her in whatever i do...i cook meals to her taste and the two of us - me and my husband enjoy it whole heartedly. Nowadays, the taste of the food or its appearance doesnt matter to us...it is just the food, be it anything to feed the stomach during hunger. So this night, when i was thinking of her and talking to her though not aloud, she blessed me with her touch, smile and her body and soul. She was hungry and wanted curd rice...her favourite. I mashed the rice with hand and was feeding her, while she enjoyed every mouthful, sitting on my lap. Finally she started to regurgitate and i stopped feeding her..she is too small to know for herself as to howmuch is enough and i am too immature to know how much her tummy can hold. I wipe her mouth as she hates something sticky...jus like her mother :)

As she came to me as an infant, she wanted mother's milk to feel full...babies always yearn for this, atleast a drop to satisfy themselves :-) even after they feel full. I LOVE TO FEED HER as she was weak otherwise.. didnt bother troubling myself expressing it most of the times...even my mom would make fun of me that i am exerting myself toomuch..but i enjoyed this. every moment i did this. afterall what is a mother for??  Also i was adamant to feed her every drop of my blood, untill she disliked it. So got myself ready to feed her the manna.. Only then did i notice that she opened her mouth to show me one grain of curd rice, sticking to her tongue... She is always naughty, though she might not know what she is upto..it allows me to enjoy every minute with her.



These li'l fingers....i want to hold again in my life



I don't know what to write and how to write...tonight my thoughts are disturbed and it reflects in this post, i know. Already troubled with the nostalgia of the days spent with her -  both good and bad, i am in a mood to let out my feelings here, now. Everyday passes like hell to me...there are days when i have been reluctant in doing my duties to her, not because she is not here, but because i did not want to. I dont feed her, so i dont eat anything. At times, i am damn hungry when i think too much about her.. I eat a lot. I stuff myself with all that is edible. Finally, when everything calms, down i realise what i have done to myself. This happens often and is irreversible as of now. Sometimes i enjoy being hungry and think of how it would be to be in hunger. I want to go through the pain that she went through to understand things better. Even all that put me off earlier, are bliss to me now.. have become more tolerant and patient than ever in my life. Lessons learned from my lil angel....  In a way i gain energy in calling her name when i am unable to complete a task.

I think of her in all that i do...when i feel pain, i think of her ...the days and ways i put her to those punishing therapy lessons. Actually she was not in need of all that...everything that was earthly...dress, walking, talking, anger all that stuff which is materialistic. She was always in constant contact with the ONE...murmuring something and doing some actions, which might not seem to be ok for people like us who think we are "normal", but when you read between lines, every action of hers had a deeper message to convey. Today, when i talk to her, she reciprocates in some form or the other. Daily i pray to her first thing in the morning after wishing her and when i call her to show me where she is....there she flies in the open, bright morning sky, fluttering her wings happily in the air -  as a sparrow, in the sparrow. She tells me not to worry and that she is there whenever i think of her, whenever i want to see her. Also this has an  underlying meaning....she is free from this world.. free from pain...free as a bird...flying high in the vast space where everything seems to be blissful and happy and fun and cheer.

Waking up to see this beautiful scene everyday, keeps me going in a way. I feel, though the going is tough, the tough keeps going....by this i mean, that living is very difficult for the two of us, still the grief period is not over, it is continuing....

I WAS LUCKY

Everytime is potty time for my angel. Whenever she visits me in my dream, she would always ease herself...either on me or on her cloth bed. This is what she has been doing all those times, she gave me an appearance. So, yesterday, while going to bed, i was disturbed by her loss and was thinking about all the goodtimes that we shared together. She would bite me hard and burst into laughter, as soon as i start crying. Earlier, this would put me in a rough mood, as i was not patient and sometimes, i have shouted at her. But oflate, i started enjoying all that she enjoys to do... so i deliberately offer myself for those longlasting bites and see her happy all the time i do it. All these thoughts linger in my mind when i am awake and alone. Even when i am in a company, i can be alone to myself with my angel.

Tossing on the bed for a comfortable posture, i was talking to her.. Calling her back to me as life is meaningless and dull and dead, etc., without my angel. Tears started peeping out of my eyelids. Not intended to disturb my already half asleep husband, i wipe it silently and lie next to him. Soon one after the other, thoughts started pouring in and i was into a kind of meditation....taking me deep into nostalgia, every minute. Finally when i was in a deep state of conversation with her, she appeared, as usual. Tall, slim, beautiful, curly haired, smiling her charm. I am with my parents, sister and husband, with my little one on the floor. She is easing herself in her style of lifting her legs to the abdomen... poo-pooing she wants me to kajol her and i do it as i wish to .... due to some uneasyness, she is clinging on to my waist very tight, and i ask my sister to check whether she is pottying again. To everyone's amusement and relaxation, my naughty passes wind with some stress.



Fresh from the shower



Father's pet..is that you???

Meanwhile, i ask my mom to check whether my dad had readied the water for her as she usually bathes in lukewarm water. My dad is checking the same in the bathroom, while my angel asks "தாத்தா வெந்நீர் போட்டுடாள்ளா? "  All present at home is dumbstruck as we never expected her to reciprocate what she has heard and would speak back !!!!! I am proud of her that at this young age she is able to understand conversations and give a reply to it. We all are very happy that her brain is functioning like any normal child, that she is able to form sentences and questions too. Soon she gets down from me and walks into the bedroom, wearing a white nightdress (shimmi). I call her to stop her from proceeding towards bathing,"டி Manasvini, நில்லுடி அம்மா வந்து உனக்கு நன்னா எண்ணெய் தேச்சு குளிப்பாட்டரேன்"  to which she replies "நானே குளிச்சிபேன் மா".  I am dumbstruck as she has grown up this big, that she can manage a bath on her own and talks very mature for her age. She has grown so tall now, to the height of a 5-6 year old child for her age of 2 years. Looks more beautiful than ever. Smiling always at all those she meets. Uncombed frizzy and curly hair. I love her a lot, especially her legs, which she must have incurred from her dad.

P.S. : Chutty we are expecting you in our lives at the earliest. Please do come back to us in your same appearance and qualities, which i think no other child can match in this whole world. LOVE YOU PATTU PAAPULI :)
Yours lovingly,
amma :)

I AM HERE WITH YOU.....

Working out after a long time, got me really tired and slept with body pain. Unable to doze off as usual, i was disturbed by string of events all through the night. Tossing on the bed for hours together, finally eased myself and closed my eyes at 3 in the morning. Sleeping beauty shined on me and soon i was in a peaceful rest. My little angel is very cute and chirpy like a bird and comes walking to me with just a hip chain and her anklets on.... slowly steps her tiny little feet on the floor and moves forward holding the edges of the book shelf. The shelf is dirty, and the books are strewn all over, helter-skelter. She comes close to me and says "இங்க பாரு, இங்க பாரு", then lifts a book larger than her size and goes through the first few pages of it. Waving it left and right with her usual giggle, she flings the book in style :-) To the amusement of everyone present at home, with her, she enjoys what she has done. I LOVE HER FOR WHAT SHE IS. I make fun of her by calling her "robot - rajini" and she has her mouth opened wide with a continuous laugh and giggle. All of us enjoy this pleasant action of hers, but.....it was a dream.

Very naughty.....look at her, you will know why :-)

After a while, when she is asleep, i hear the purring of a cat. so i look around and ask my sister as to where the sound comes from... even she is not sure and in between again we both hear the sound....you know what it was not a real cat but my kitten which was making the sounds in her sleep. My sister and i, share a  smile to which, i tell her "maybe she is dreaming and making such sounds". Soon after my lil angel tosses to her side and is wetting the bed in her sleep. She enjoys her bath this way and i didn't disturb her as she might be forced to stop easing herself. Being a mother, i cannot let my child sleep in the wetness and that too of a "body waste". I lift her, to wipe her bottoms, but she seems to be disturbed from her "rest".....again this is also a dream, not only for her, but for me too.

The house is crowded with all our relatives as something untoward has happened. I am not sure what it is, but i am more tensed and worried rather than anyone around, as i am awaiting the return of my daughter. My father and sister had gone out and had taken my Lil one with them. Though my mind says that my sis would take care of her, my heart badly needs to see her now..... There comes the maid of our neighbour who informs me that my daughter is being brought in an auto-rickshaw.....i am in a confused state of mind, as to why a healthy baby be brought home in a vehicle....of course when they all left, they carried my daughter on their shoulders, and my dad being a strong man, why is he in a situation to carry my daughter in an auto-rickshaw??!!! Mostly i see my angel to be healthy and smiling in all my dreams.....With tears about to roll down, i hug my baby, who is after all sleeping on her way back home.....

Why? Why should i have a dream, not one but three different situations, in which i am very close with my daughter. I am able hear her talk, see her walk, enjoy her actions and reactions......all this was not possible of her on her own, as she had difficulties with standing on her bare foot, leave alone walking. She did not talk even a single word for her age of 27 months.....All that she did all the time was to smile and laugh and make others around her happy. She was put to rigorous training. (i would call that a punishment which i enjoyed sadistically). I wish that all these dreams don't stop here to just be a dream, but to become a vision, a vision of this couple to have her back in our lives......PLEASE SHOWER SOME BABY DUST ON US, THAT OF A GIRL AND THAT OF MANASVINI HERSELF.....the ever smiling angel of ur house.

I, rather all of us, wanted her to "behave normally like any other child", but she was "behaving normally" from her perspective. There is an irony in her LIFE....she was born with severe heart defects, yet she lived her life like all other children on earth. Born healthy and with no physical or mental ailments, we thought that ONLY people like us are NORMAL......

Like i now realise, after her loss, PAIN AND PROBLEMS AND EMOTIONS ARE INDIVIDUAL TO ANY INDIVIDUAL. Each one of  us have our own degree of limits / bare ability to all the above said......

This could be well supported by an old saying in Tamil, which when translated would be

"Not all fingers of a hand are similar"

NOT ONCE OR TWICE, BUT THRICE

Daily bidding goodnight to my little one, i retire to bed. Some nights, she communicates with me and other times i have a sound sleep, unmindful of where i am.... There are days too and daytimes too when she has communicated... she conveys her life "above", thereby instilling in me that she is happy and safe in her second world. Yesterday being the 2nd death anniversary of my granma, we were observing all the rituals and rites for the day. Before everything could start, i was chatting with my parents, regarding the book i lost the previous night....SAME SOUL, MANY BODIES. This book is not just a bundle of words, printed on paper...it is a treasure to me as i could see my daughter in those letters...I was scolding myself for being such a stupid, to misplace the book in the flight. Immersed in the thought of what i have read, and shared with the world, i was discussing the lines that really touched my conscience. On the other hand, prayed to my daughter to get the book back to me...in this process, i was recollecting the events of the day of her surgery...what all happened and was explaining to my dad, that everything thing in this world is connected in a way or other and that every action of an individual has an equal and opposite reaction. No, i am not talking about Newton's third law but the psychological reactions of every life on earth.

All this and later, had my meal and slept of tiredness. I was wandering the streets of chennai like a lunatic, dragging my husband along wherever i went. Suddenly the thought of my daughter, left alone at home, comes to my mind and rush there with him. Hearing it from my mother that my li'l one is being taken care of my sister, i hurry to see her. There, our relatives have forcibly lifted my child from my sister and are merrying, at her inabilities...someone is shuttling her head and making fun of her, while others enjoy it with a wild laughter. Being a mother i just cannot hold on anymore and take my daughter back, with tears rolling down my cheeks. I hug my little angel so tight, that she wraps her legs around my waist and enjoys it with a smile on her face...as usual.

This scene, jolts me out of sleep...for i realise it was a dream on a daylight...i hope this doesn't turn into daydreaming as i want my little one back on earth, with me and my husband to enjoy LIFE.

Later that evening, i received a call from my beloved who informed that my book is with the airline staff. Not knowing how to express my joy on getting my book back, i thanked my daughter and rushed to their office to collect it in the same condition that i had left it in-flight. I need to mention that, if i carry on a single work, even a simple one, without informing her it goes waste. She is the guardian angel of our house and also the guiding angel, making all our wishes come true in our day to day life...our wish to have her back is still not fulfiled though...maybe she needs time to cure herself of the ailment completely... I am confident that if i become pregnant again, it is going to be her and none other than her.

Too much of her thoughts, her actions and her company that kept us alive was discussed on my return. After reading out some quotes from the book aloud, and sharing my experiences with my family, went to bed...but slept past midnight. I was having my sister by my side, this time too but am not clear as to what the whole scene was... I can only remember that i took my daughter again from my sister, who was rocking her cradle, calming her for a sleep. I take her in my arms and hug her with a smile... this too was a dream....

Later after a few hours, i was running in the streets of maharashtra.... i cannot make it out where...but can only recollect that it is a marathi soil... heavy downpour has spoilt the beauty and the roads are slushy making it difficult to step out. I am accompanied by my father and husband, ofcourse my cousin too is there to make fun of my daughter. My angel is dressed like a boy, in a silky white pyjama-kurta, knotting her hair on top of her head, like Krishna... We are all pulling some hand-held carts and running around those untidy streets... my cousin is all praise of his son, whereas i am proud of my daughter... He challenges us for a competition on the carts with the kids on board.... as i cannot guarantee the health of my daughter, i try to avoid it and dodge him by taking a route just opposite to his...my father gives a doll of a cow, to my daughter to keep her busy through the ride...my husband checks it whether it is clean and dirt-free, for even a small dust particle can start a rough day for her...i too do the same and reiterate that it is ok to let her play with such toys once in a while....she is enjoying her ride on the cart which is pulled by her granpa, supported by her appa and being taken care of by her mother... despite the jolts in the cart ride she is having fun, with her sweet chuckles....all the way through. I didn't know where we landed on our ride...but i landed down from my DREAM...

Hope this day comes to life in our lives....



kiss

என் மகளின் புகைப்படங்களை

பதிவு செய்ததால் கெட்டுப்போனது

கம்ப்யூட்டர்....

எனது முத்த மழையால்

ADVICE COMES FREE OF COST

The world is materialistic... in the sense that nothing comes free. Everything is tagged with a quotation and cannot be enjoyed unless you owe a penny, to the least. Still there are exceptions ... a mother's love that comes free flowing to the child, wherever the child is...be it good or bad, the mother is always a mother and her love cannot be surpassed by anything in this world. Another one to this list is ADVICE. True no one likes advice, but when it comes to advise, everyone is happy to share their bit. Whether it is liked by the person on the other side?????? they are least bothered.

When a person is in a bad situation, sad situation, what they require is solitude and peace of mind to console themselves. Right that such a person should not be left alone in angles of depression and other such related issues..but being alone, one can easily recollect all that has happened and draw a consolation or conclusion to the cause. Believing that they are always right and that their advise is most required at that hour, many lend a fast hand at this. Be it friends or relatives, they come out with their ideas and force it on the victim in the name of advice.

After the loss of my daughter, my husband and i are still to see a light in our lives. There is not a single moment we cannot think of her. There were days when we enjoyed the company of manasvini, and now we enjoy her only in our dreams. Sometimes verbal interaction happens, else it is just a blessing of the sight of her. Still both of us enjoy feeding her and cleaning her bottom and dressing her up....in our dreams. We have reduced our visits to relatives, friends and other such social gatherings as we want to enjoy the vacuum her loss has created. There are times when one cannot avoid meeting a relative, once in a new moon. During such meetings, instead of having a casual talk, they become more inquisitive... and take us back to the moment of suffocation...yes, all these questions suffocate us both that, that night i have a problem breathing normally.

There was this relative of ours who advised us to go for adoption...his advise was immediate that he did not seem to have the courtesy of thinking what effect it would have on us. Of course, both of us love babies and are on the thoughts of adopting a child home...but not in the immediate future. Once our little angel comes back to us, we will definitely make it happen. On another unavoidable visit, i was advised to take up a job with some non-governmental organisation, that helps in bringing up orphans, to change my mentality. Though i did not visit her for this piece of advice, i returned home dumb.

It is quite easy to advise people. Before doing so, think for yourself that what you would be saying cannot always mean literally to the person who is hearing. Just because you are in a better situation than the victim, it doesn't mean that they are here to listen to all that you say, and no one can be forced to advise. If a person at the wrong side of the "wheel of life" meets you by chance, just share a light conversation with them. Do not bother them with what has happened. There is no time machine that can repair and mend the sufferings for the victimised. Definitely You cannot change the past, revert the loss, but do not trouble them with your advise, spoiling their future.

There is this big question lingering in my mind for a long time.....should people in grief always follow what others say???? should they be subjected to advise, in the name of help???? can't they live their life individually???? can't they think on their own????? when will advise seem to cease????

Even the couple in grief cannot be of consolation to one another as i believe that, everything is individual and to every individual, emotions are individualistic. There is definitely a difference in the degree of joy, pain, sorrow, agony, hatred, love, happiness, tears....and the list is endless...among individuals. So please DO NOT ADVISE people who are in pain... it makes no gain..in their lives. TIME IS A HEALER AND TIME MOVES ON....



MANY SOULS, ONE CONNECTION

I was reading the book by Dr. Brian Weiss night....SAME SOUL, MANY BODIES. This book, to me is

a sequel to his other book MANY LIVES, MANY MASTERS. Reading the first few pages of the book

has opened a new avenue in me... that there is a connection between the souls of the persons

belonging to a family and that of the souls that these souls come in contact with.

This tragic incident happened about 3 years back in the month of June. My daughter was operated for

a procedure to give her an ample supply of oxygen, so that she can grow, her blood vessels too, long enough

to sustain the corrective surgery she needed later in her life. As told earlier, she had fight with

DEATH then itself and was on her recovery, a couple of days after the operation. At that time,

this girl of about 26, came to meet my daughter, who was trying to sleep, despite the troubles

that we had been giving her... too many tubes attached to her body....to draw blood samples, to give

her glucose..etc, etc.

Now, what is the reason behind this meeting of the girl and my daughter, who knew nothing about this????

No i cannot say that she knew nothing about this...as she always freaked out at the very sight of the

IV holder placed next to her...had to call the hospital assistants and prove them that it frightened

the baby who was only 2 months old and got it removed from the room. Maybe the souls wanted to meet

and greet one another as there might be an association later in their life. The girl on seeing my

daughter, who was still on the support of oxygen, was not ready mentally to take up her operation,

which was due the next day. I was consoling her, as i usually do to a troubled person, by giving her

words of courage and confidence that she is going to be fine after her surgery. Those were the last

words that i exchanged with her and her mother.... couldn't meet her later to prove my words right.

On our next review to the hospital, i met her brother who was worried about his sister's life as

she was not making it to her recovery...this girl was lying in the same bed that my daughter was

lying after her surgery. Again this was the same bed in which my daughter breathed her last in june 2009.

Something is to be noted here....There was a meeting between the girl,my daughter, me, my mom and her mom. Though only i exchanged a few words with the girl while she exchanged a touch with my daughter...there is a connection between the souls of the three of us....

This was reasoned out last year when my daughter was on the operation theatre for her major corrective

surgery.

The clock ticked 10 in the morning and my little angel was taken to the operation theatre, with all

the necessary formalities completed...I went to a state of calmness, as i was not at all worried

about the safety of my daughter's life. Reassuring myself that she would come back to me healthier,

i was asleep on the bed. Suddenly i was awaken by something and rushed to the doorway a few metres

away from the ICU and was seated there on the steps, with my japa-mala. I was chanting RAMA RAMA 108 times for one round and was completing as many rounds as i could... After a while, i was counting only

1,2,3,4,5,6,7....1,2,3,4,5,6,7....It took time for me to realise that i am counting only numbers and

not chanting or praying to GOD. Like a spark, there was this tragic incident flashing in my mind...the

meeting of the girl and my conscience was telling me that chanting rama mantra would help one, towards

their END and would lead them in their path to the Abode of GOD. Why should i be thinking of all this when

my daughter is getting operated a few metres away from me???? Only i was sitting there and when my husband and mom came to see what i was doing, i was tight lipped...yes, didnot feel like opening my mouth.

Did not even show them signs or winked my eyes....Something was reminding me of the girl who lost her

life 3 years ago and that she would take care of my daughter, if at all anything happens...Then when

i returned to consciousness, i scolded myself for running such bad thoughts and was wishing that

all is fine, my daughter would return healthy.

I want to share this at this hour of the midnight, as the book i was reading proved that there might

be a connection between the three souls...me, my daughter and the girl. As described by Dr. Brian Weiss,

------"The soul certainly exists outside of the physical body, and it makes connections not only

to the other lifetimes of the person it just departed but to all other souls". ......."Sometimes

there are other souls around---you could call them masters or guides---who are very wise and help

your soul on its journey toward the One". Only three of us had interactions, orally and physically...

The soul of the girl wanted to meet the soul of my daughter and that of mine, three years ago....came

down to our room on "purpose" and conveyed some message by her touch and talk????? The answer to me

is YES...i realise that the soul of the girl knew that it was time to depart and elevate, so met a

soul for its later companionship - my daughter and conveyed to my soul that they would be taking care

of one another now. This again, i feel, is the awakening of my soul which is seeking the reason behind my

daughter's loss.

Why was i tight lipped for sometime????nearly 90 minutes....why was i reminded of this girl????

why should my subconscious tell me that all that i am chanting for is for the better path towards one's end????? and that too of my daughter's????? All these questions, rather seekings have found a reasonable answer tonight.

Maybe the picture would be clear when my soul meets them in their space.....

What is your Earnings????

So, what has one earned in life???

This is the question that every individual would ask themself at any one point in their lifetime...This is a very important question and has many faces to it, when it comes to explanation. It can mean monetary benefits to some, while for others it means more emotional... like a good name or bad deeds, and so on. All through one's lifetime, right from the birth of a child, every human on earth would like to be in the toppers list when it comes to earnings. A child earns the friendship, of even a stranger, with a smile. A kid earns good names in the family to get more toys. A boy or a girl earns academically to set a goal for their future. A man earns financially to support himself and his family. A woman earns the wellness of the family members by her sacrifice. The list goes on as it is a neverending one. On the other hand, there are some souls in this world who would be remembered by others, for setting a bad example. Yes, i should call them souls, for i believe it is not the individual, the physical body that takes human being towards GOOD and BAD.... it is the innerbeing...the soul that is filled in the earthly material that gives the free will to the human who carries it through their last breath.

So what importance, rather how important is this in one's life???? The community that we live in, respects us only by the EARNINGS that we have accumulated. Be it good or bad, right or wrong, you are estimated by the value you carry. You might be a person who has failed to earn a good name at the beginning of your life, but when this continues till your END, then it becomes a concern. To me LIFE is a vicious circle where every individual has his turn of good deeds and the bad ones too. Being a woman who has never felt pain, sorrow, grief, agony, the list goes on.....i thought i  was a "normal" person, leading a normal life. I was wrong.... i was tested for these emotions in my early twenties and fun was what i was yearning for. Having earned laughter, good family, good sibling, good friends.....life brought forth a new atmosphere for me to carry on....

Blessed with a wonderful kid, of my choice, i was "enjoying" life with my little princess. The blow on my head came after 40 days of her birth and then i had to accept what life has given me....though it took time to come to reality. To be granted with a special kid is a boon for any mother, especially me. May be GOD thought that i am a good messiah, He handed over this beautiful bundle of joy, to take special care of. She was the one who lead me into the perspective of  LIFE....she made me understand that life on earth is not just being physical, but spiritual too. Being quiet, the way i wanted to be, she had her measure of mischief and all the good qualities that any girl child would be born with. Until her last breath, she was earning all that she can... that i have still not made a point even to take efforts for. She had earned a handful of Doctors, whom for her are Uncles with a magic wand to cure her of her illness and her disabilities. Friends from all walks of life and ages no bar :-) Spiritual companions in her visits to the therapy centre. Apart from this, i adored her with the glittering metal from the money that my husband had earned. This did not matter to her anytime. Even the clothing that covered her body, was of no importance to her. She was in constant contact with some SPIRITUAL LINK and never managed to bother herself or others in the family about her needs. There were days when she had bathed in uric acid, with bliss. All this only proves to me, now, that she was a spiritual being who had come down to earth to teach me "something" that i have been ignorant of. I wish i earn it the right way from now on....

It's true that "Child is the Father of Man". She has educated me what earning is and what one should earn in their life. This has taught me that life is not all about being ALIVE.....one should be AWARE of what is happening on earth and should AWAKE when Eternity calls.....to lead a LIFE in LIGHT.

Wish my Dream comes true.....

Bidding goodnight to my daughter, i go to bed every night. For the past two days this little angel of mine is appearing in my dream to keep me in good company. This night she came up to me walking, expressing the charms of her nude body, beign adorn by a golden hip chain...sits on my lap and calls me "amma" with a smile as usual. On greeting her, she starts scratching her bottom and to my amusement, has dirtied herself.. so had to take her to the loo to get her clean :-) This dream, i think might be a reflection of my thoughts that night when i was thinking of how she would manage in the second world without me and my help...oh no she has already proven that she can get hold of this worldly matters like a pro..infact she is now the gaurdian angel as said by Dr. Brian Weiss, guiding us in our earthly activities..



Walking Beauty



Coming back to the sequel to the dream i had the previous night, yesterday she was enjoying the music on a toy keyboard with her father helping her press the keys...she was having a whale of a time and relishing every bit of it with her usual chuckles and laughter...love you darling. Even my request to her dad that let her try playing on her own, went into dumb ears...she is always a different child when it comes to her father. Rather when she goes to her father.. she becomes so quiet, calm, sophisticated, mature and displays all the qualities even i would never have learnt.  This was with no doubt enjoyed by him too with all the pride of being a dad to such a wonderful kid in this world.

Now all that i wish for is the day when these dreams of me would come true to my eyes, in my life and in the family that is awaiting the birth of a child with her look alike.

KNOWING ..is it a film or my life????

After the loss of my daughter i am into the seeking of what could be the reason for her short term of connection to this world...more particular to me and my family. This question is BIG enough to fill my mind whenever i think of her.

 My daughter breathed her last on the operation theatre. From the day she came on this earth, she was conveying so many things to the people around her, especially to me as a mother. Always she would point her little finger and the ring finger in the air, when she was days old...this just not meant reflex actions to me...they warned me of some danger. My instinct said that the child is in danger and there are days when i would tell this to my mother and cry. Though she would console me saying that my daughter is after all a kid and would chide away my fears saying they might be silly.... You know what..those fingers told me that she would have to pass a difficult stage in her life when she is 2 months old...and once again whe she was 2 years old...

Her first encounter with DEATH happened when she was 2months old...had a shunt done on those brittle body, tried hard enough to bring her carbondioxide levels down, which were way too high even for an adult...but succeeded DEATH and  kicked him till she could meet that evil again in 1 1/2 years time. This time she was answering all our questions and our requests with a hum...she never answered my doubt whether she would get operated for a corrective surgery...FEAR as it gripped me when she was months old, did not even dare to show his sign to me this time... i was confident enough not only on the surgeon who operated on my daughter, but on her as whole.. she was the epitomy of confidence to me and seeing her laugh till she was given a sleeping dose, gave me the power to believe that she will be back soon healthy and what not to expect....

I was the one who gave her the sleeping drug on doctor's advice and put her to sleep......no not on my lap but in my LIFE. She was forced the syrup, which she hesitated to drink...even if i had not given her, she would be sleeping only, as she is now... maybe she knew that there was no need of the medicines, IVs, injections or any anesthesia...minutes before her departure, she stood on her own, climbing on the wall to show to her dad for the first time that she can conquer the world.....(he never had the chance to see her developments as he was living away from us due to work)  Now that he has seen first her new development, cannot boast of it as it did not last, neither for him nor for us to cherish....

All these thoughts linger in my mind day and night. Ofcourse there cannot be a day or night that i cannot be not thinking of her. Engrossed in the process to find a solution to her connection, i started reading the book MANY LIVES, MANY MASTERS by Dr. Brian Weiss. As described by him in the book, something really came to picture yesterday night. I was watching the film KNOWING on an english channel and the movie, as i thought would be a story only about predictions proved me wrong. In fact it seemed to bring out a new meaning for the title itself, in me.

The father of the son who has some special powers, tries to figure out as to what is happening to his son...likewise i am in persuit of a meaning for my daughter's life and death. Especially the climax scenes where the kids are taken away from this materialistic world...by some supreme power...this was what i learnt after reading the book. Though the lines were strong enough to reproduce the letters in vision, the movie added another level to my vision of how the ETERNAL being would be and how the VOICE OF THE MASTER would draw his candidates one after the other as demanded by him... i know that my little angel would have been accompanied to a pleasant world outside this earth, far away from these earthly matters....she would definetely be playing around in a peaceful atmosphere than what i have or could have provided her..

I AM YEARNING TO SEE MY DAUGHTER GROW IN THAT WORLD...SURE SHE WOULD RECOGNISE ME THE MOMENT I STEP THERE AND WELCOME ME WITH HER ALWAYS BEAUTIFUL SMILE

Love you manasvini maa....miss you a lot...please come back to me or accept me wherever you are

Eyes are powerful

Today i am going to show to the world, my daughter MANASVINI....her name means a lot and she means more than that to me. She was the apple of my eye and loves to hear the song by strawberry short cake...you are my honey bunch sugar....she smiles at the ringtone and laughs to my version of that song. Born with a severe heart complication, she never complicated my life..never even thought of that or had ever expressed her difficulties. As told earlier she was the form of what was moulded by me when i was bearing her...always had the captivating smile on her face come what may and greeted even strangers with her lovely smile. She has taught me patience, endurance and many more in life. Infact she has educated me on what LIFE is. I have learnt to look at things differently...earlier even a power cut would put me off and i would be restless till i see the light. Now after her loss i have got a new meaning to LIGHT...the light of the Eternal power. To me and my husband she is ETERNAL and is now the GUARDING ANGEL of our day to day activities. We have started to believe in a SUPREME POWER..on a new perspective. Though she was diagnosed with the defect in 41days from birth, it seemed a defect to me and people like me, but for her, she was as normal as any human on earth. Learning to live with what life has given her. There was always a glow in her eyes and the spark to live life beyond the physical being..because of her physical inability she was unable to perform like any child her age. But did this not stop her from being "NORMAL" in her terms. She was a topic of amusement for some and for others it was too much concern for her. This made me feel bad as only I know the value of a child and the meaning of MOTHER is more than the letters. So i stopped from socialising with people who were earlier more friendly to me and my daughter. I started to live life along with her the way she wanted me to behave for her. Both of us shared a special bond, the one different from any mother and daughter. Infact my mother was amazed to see the relationship i shared with my daughter. Looking at this picture of hers is self explanatory as to what i have been describing in today's blog about her.

Why i am here????

Hi to all bloggers who would visit my blog...Infact this is my debut blogging, though i have tried my hands on writing some notes in social networking sites. I am trying this technique of writing down the feelings that i am going through, as i am not in to the habit of penning a diary. I want to see a new world, or rather to put it in clear terms, would like to see the world differently. As the saying goes "Don't do different things...try doing things differently", i would like to look at the society from a different perspective. To put things clear, i lost my wonderful daughter named MANASVINI, meaning....one who satisfies and reciprocates according to your feelings even without mouthing it. It was the name suggested to me by Goddess LALITHA, when i was chanting her 1008 names on an auspicious Friday. So decided to name my daughter after Her. Having said that, my daughter was truely brought up the similar way Arjun's son Abhimanyu was taught the tactics of Chakravyuha in the greatest Indian epic MAHABHARATHA....my little angel, li'l princess as i would call her was also moulded by me in the womb. I would wake up to the chants of RUDRAM and CHAMAKAM and in the evenings used to listen and sing HANUMAN CHAALISA and LALITHA SAHASRANAMAM, daily. This was my routine during my pregnancy and this continued even after her birth. The moment she is restless...the chanting of RUDRAM  would calm her down. She had her lullabies in HANUMAN CHAALISA....ok why am i narrating all that i did to her when she was alive both inside and outside me???????

....because i want all you readers to know that i believe strongly that whatever you see, listen and speak while carrying a child, would reflect in the wellbeing of the child and so in the way the child grows on in their life....so coming back to answer my question.. i want more friends...by which i mean that i don''t want people who do not understand the respect for others. I want to make friends from mutual bloggers who share a same tragedy as me...not only that.... i want to live life as WHO I AM AND WHAT I AM. There were times that i had lived as a daughter, a wife, a sister, a daughter-in-law and many such avatars in the past and some even continues even till my last...but i want to live life for myself....i want to search for my identity...a person who was always seen with a smile on her face, who knew not what it is to be without fun....i want to see the ME that i have lost....ofcourse, i would like to search for the reason behind my identity as a MOTHER .......