Heart full of Guilt

With only myself at home all day, i enjoy the silence that is surrounding me.... for this gives peace to the otherwise troubled mind.. and also the calmness that no one is around to disturb. As mentioned in my earlier blogs, i am happy when i am depressed, as only then i am deeply in thought of my daughter and all that happened to her. Now, My angel has proved that she is nourishing my womb once again and i am happy after the reassurance from her. On the other hand, her visits in my dream have reduced too and she comes only once in a month. The first trimester left me restricted at home and i had delayed her meal almost daily. All this worries me and leaves me guilty as i am unable to lookafter her sincerely. Coping up with regular duties became difficult and i was delaying her feeds as usual. I started criticising myself for having conceived this baby, as i am unable to attend to my angel. I was content with the moments that i had to spend with her and the memories that i am spending of her now. Honestly when i did not ask or expect for a second child, this sudden turn of events has left me confused. Will i be able to look after my angel as i did all these days, hereafter???? Will i forget about her at all ???? These doubts wander in my mind and i feel low most of the time.


With a heart full of guilt and anger towards my actions i find it difficult to sleep. My only hope.. that my daughter would visit me one day or the other.... as said earlier, my angel is coming rarely in my dreams... with memories of troubled and dark past, even my dreams have started to frighten me nowadays. My in laws are in a separate home and invite my husband along with me to come to their place. We two go and our relatives come in a little later. For no fault of mine, i am cornered and everyone in the family is pointing their fingers at me. With no one to support and help me out of the situation, i run to my husband hoping to find some relief. He is helpless too and fails to console me. Heart broken with disappointment, i wake up from this scary nightmare and cry to my daughter to help me with some calmness and peace.

On an other night, i failed to feed my daughter, before having my dinner... this left me with a heavy heart and i went to bed on failing to be a proper mother. That night, my angel visited me as i was communicating to her for the failure i am ..... she was very hungry and walked straight to me for a glass of milk. As i was busy with household chores, i ask my sister to feed her the milk after instructing her as how my baby needs to be positioned for the feed. Though my sister grooms kids very well, she misses this time and accidently milk enters my daughter's nose... immediately i rush to her help and pick up a fight with my lovely sister for feeding my angel the wrong way...

Two days back... my angel visted me again... this time she was not well and walks to me very weak and dull.... she needs to ease herself and i lay her on my lap only to find that she has outgrown.... so i adjust myself to position her properly.... as she is ill, she eases her on my hands and the floor too becomes soiled... my mom is there to help me and clean up the place. As my daughter i about 4 years now, she has to be readied for school... i am worried to send her to school as she is not well... but she seems to be excited to go to school and is wearing a white uniform frock with a black belt...with her study bag to her back... she runs to get into a public bus and stands next to me holding my legs tight.... the bus is crowded and we two travel on the foot board... worried that she might fall, i ask my sister to hold her in her lap and not to hold her tight... my baby is sweating and i am worried about her health condition... when i ask her as to will she be able to listen to the teachings at school... she smiles at me as tells me that she knows everything... i as a mother is worried, and tell her to raise her hand incase she has any doubts in class.... as her health condition is deteriorating even before she reaches school... i weep nonstop...... in my dream and out of it too....

The next morning i narrate this dream to my mom and tears ran down my cheecks uncontrollably.... my mom too started crying on the other end of the telephone as she was unable to listen to the worries of her daughter...... then she consoled me for the baby that i am carrying inside... for this baby too would be worried on understand the emotions of its mother. Still there are moments when i doubt my pregnancy and have to check with my doctor that i am ok and the baby is fine. Fortnight visits to the gynac gives me the assurance that the baby is growing normal and healthy and also the strength for me to move on.

With memories of my angel's naughtiness and smiles carried deeply in my mind, i pass the coming days hoping to hold her back in my arms.