My birthday falls on the eve of christmas. I was eager in celebrating it though, but simple after my marriage. I would buy myself a black forest cake and enjoy it for the next two days :)
After the loss of my angel, my life was filled with vaccum and i was depressed until few months back. There has been some unexpected turn of events as you all know, but still celebrations are passe'... I was not well on the eve of my birthday and had to meet the doctor for a recovery. As i returned home late, the dinner time of my angel was delayed and i offered her some oranges. When i am not cooking anything for my daughter, it leaves me with a sense of guilt. This has been happening offlate as i am unable to cook fresh for dinner. Thinking of the lame person i am, chiding myself for not being a good mother, i went to bed after my regular dose of medicines.
I reached a dream state immediately, thanks to the effect of medication. I am at my parents' place and the house is heavily crowded. I am holding my angel in my arms as she has just woken up and i love to smell her body scents all the time. She seems to be weak and potties in her diapers... this i am able to feel through the heat of the soiled diaper. When i am about to clean her bottom, my in-laws and the group of relatives enter our house. Everyone is unhappy with me as i have not brought their grandchild home... i am still at my mom's place. On the otherhand i am totally angry with them for having cursed my baby with less survival chances. My husband, as usual is in the scene but helpless. He is busy working on his laptop concentrating only on his office work and not paying attention to the chaos surrounding him and the house. I cry for help and call out to him... to which he replies that he is preoccupied with this official duties and shall help me only after it is over. So in order to defend myself and my baby, i pick up a fight with my mother in law and question her as to how they can curse my child... after a heated argument, she shouts at me asking that should she beg at my feet for an excuse..... i am helpless as even my parents cannot out talk my in laws and so i continue crying for help ... in and out of my sleep....
This weeping woke my husband, who was shocked to see me with tears in my eyes for otherwise i sleep silent... i am not that sort of a person who shouts, screams and laughs and talks in their dreams.... he was repeatedly asking me as to what had happened... i was dumbstruck for i could not explain what i went through in my dream....it was a nightmare... and these types of dreams always are.
I compose myself and get back to bed, only to woken up again with another nightmare.... this was clear to me until two days back.. i must have blogged it immediately... but the nightmare was haunting me even in day time, that i was not in a mood for a blog.... here i was holding my angel in my arms, and she is very weak again... i think we both were travelling in a van or some public transport... my mom too was there, but suddenly a helicopter comes crashing down and it is pushing the vehicle in which we are, at unimaginable speed... everyone is shouting and crying for help, but of no use... i lift my baby high in the air and shout out loud that i shall never let anything happen to her..... with this i get up from my sleep, totally shocked and shaken....my birthday dawns with this nightmare.... i pass the day with being to myself... no celebrations... no conversations... no special cooking... no cakes....
Why i am blogging all this leaves me wonder... most of my dreams happen in my mother's place with only the people my daughter was friendly to. Most of the times, my inlaws pose a threat to me and my child and my husband whenever he is present in the scene, is always helpless...think this has something to do with my psychology... i was thrown in shock after my marriage and it still reflects in my dreams...more so the curse on my daughter is what i cannot forget that easily..nor can i forgive those who uttered those deadly words.... this shall stay on forever with me until my last breath and i wish it stays on, for only then i can always think about my daughter and the good memories that she has left behind... only this is the solace to the otherwise troubled mind, which is frightened by the nightmares very often.
After the loss of my angel, my life was filled with vaccum and i was depressed until few months back. There has been some unexpected turn of events as you all know, but still celebrations are passe'... I was not well on the eve of my birthday and had to meet the doctor for a recovery. As i returned home late, the dinner time of my angel was delayed and i offered her some oranges. When i am not cooking anything for my daughter, it leaves me with a sense of guilt. This has been happening offlate as i am unable to cook fresh for dinner. Thinking of the lame person i am, chiding myself for not being a good mother, i went to bed after my regular dose of medicines.
I reached a dream state immediately, thanks to the effect of medication. I am at my parents' place and the house is heavily crowded. I am holding my angel in my arms as she has just woken up and i love to smell her body scents all the time. She seems to be weak and potties in her diapers... this i am able to feel through the heat of the soiled diaper. When i am about to clean her bottom, my in-laws and the group of relatives enter our house. Everyone is unhappy with me as i have not brought their grandchild home... i am still at my mom's place. On the otherhand i am totally angry with them for having cursed my baby with less survival chances. My husband, as usual is in the scene but helpless. He is busy working on his laptop concentrating only on his office work and not paying attention to the chaos surrounding him and the house. I cry for help and call out to him... to which he replies that he is preoccupied with this official duties and shall help me only after it is over. So in order to defend myself and my baby, i pick up a fight with my mother in law and question her as to how they can curse my child... after a heated argument, she shouts at me asking that should she beg at my feet for an excuse..... i am helpless as even my parents cannot out talk my in laws and so i continue crying for help ... in and out of my sleep....
This weeping woke my husband, who was shocked to see me with tears in my eyes for otherwise i sleep silent... i am not that sort of a person who shouts, screams and laughs and talks in their dreams.... he was repeatedly asking me as to what had happened... i was dumbstruck for i could not explain what i went through in my dream....it was a nightmare... and these types of dreams always are.
I compose myself and get back to bed, only to woken up again with another nightmare.... this was clear to me until two days back.. i must have blogged it immediately... but the nightmare was haunting me even in day time, that i was not in a mood for a blog.... here i was holding my angel in my arms, and she is very weak again... i think we both were travelling in a van or some public transport... my mom too was there, but suddenly a helicopter comes crashing down and it is pushing the vehicle in which we are, at unimaginable speed... everyone is shouting and crying for help, but of no use... i lift my baby high in the air and shout out loud that i shall never let anything happen to her..... with this i get up from my sleep, totally shocked and shaken....my birthday dawns with this nightmare.... i pass the day with being to myself... no celebrations... no conversations... no special cooking... no cakes....
Why i am blogging all this leaves me wonder... most of my dreams happen in my mother's place with only the people my daughter was friendly to. Most of the times, my inlaws pose a threat to me and my child and my husband whenever he is present in the scene, is always helpless...think this has something to do with my psychology... i was thrown in shock after my marriage and it still reflects in my dreams...more so the curse on my daughter is what i cannot forget that easily..nor can i forgive those who uttered those deadly words.... this shall stay on forever with me until my last breath and i wish it stays on, for only then i can always think about my daughter and the good memories that she has left behind... only this is the solace to the otherwise troubled mind, which is frightened by the nightmares very often.
Hi
ReplyDeleteI hope you are in a better place now. Hope your angel is with you. Please do update the blog. May Almighty fulfill your choicest wishes