Birthday Surprise

My birthday falls on the eve of christmas. I was eager in celebrating it though, but simple after my marriage. I would buy myself a black forest cake and enjoy it for the next two days :)
After the loss of my angel, my life was filled with vaccum and i was depressed until few months back. There has been some unexpected turn of events as you all know, but still celebrations are passe'... I was not well on the eve of my birthday and had to meet the doctor for a recovery. As i returned home late, the dinner time of my angel was delayed and i offered her some oranges. When i am not cooking anything for my daughter, it leaves me with a sense of guilt. This has been happening offlate as i am unable to cook fresh for dinner. Thinking of the lame person i am, chiding myself for not being a good mother, i went to bed after my regular dose of medicines.

I reached a dream state immediately, thanks to the effect of medication. I am at my parents' place and the house is heavily crowded. I am holding my angel in my arms as she has just woken up and i love to smell her body scents all the time. She seems to be weak and potties in her diapers... this i am able to feel through the heat of the soiled diaper. When i am about to clean her bottom, my in-laws and the group of relatives enter our house. Everyone is unhappy with me as i have not brought their grandchild home... i am still at my mom's place. On the otherhand i am totally angry with them for having cursed my baby with less survival chances. My husband, as usual is in the scene but helpless. He is busy working on his laptop concentrating only on his office work and not paying attention to the chaos surrounding him and the house. I cry for help and call out to him... to which he replies that he is preoccupied with this official duties and shall help me only after it is over. So in order to defend myself and my baby, i pick up a fight with my mother in law and question her as to how they can curse my child... after a heated argument, she shouts at me asking that should she beg at my feet for an excuse..... i am helpless as even my parents cannot out talk my in laws and so i continue crying for help ... in and out of my sleep....

This weeping woke my husband, who was shocked to see me with tears in my eyes for otherwise i sleep silent... i am not that sort of a person who shouts, screams and laughs and talks in their dreams.... he was repeatedly asking me as to what had happened... i was dumbstruck for i could not explain what i went through in my dream....it was a nightmare... and these types of dreams always are.

I compose myself and get back to bed, only to woken up again with another nightmare.... this was clear to me until two days back.. i must have blogged it immediately... but the nightmare was haunting me even in day time, that i was not in a mood for a blog.... here i was holding my angel in my arms, and she is very weak again... i think we both were travelling in a van or some public transport... my mom too was there, but suddenly a helicopter comes crashing down and it is pushing the vehicle in which we are, at unimaginable speed... everyone is shouting and crying for help, but of no use... i lift my baby high in the air and shout out loud that i shall never let anything happen to her..... with this i get up from my sleep, totally shocked and shaken....my birthday dawns with this nightmare.... i pass the day with being to myself... no celebrations... no conversations... no special cooking... no cakes....

Why i am blogging all this leaves me wonder... most of my dreams happen in my mother's place with only the people my daughter was friendly to. Most of the times, my inlaws pose a threat to me and my child and my husband whenever he is present in the scene, is always helpless...think this has something to do with my psychology... i was thrown in shock after my marriage and it still reflects in my dreams...more so the curse on my daughter is what i cannot forget that easily..nor can i forgive those who uttered those deadly words.... this shall stay on forever with me until my last breath and i wish it stays on, for only then i can always think about my daughter and the good memories that she has left behind... only this is the solace to the otherwise troubled mind, which is frightened by the nightmares very often.

Everything comes to a standstill

This christmas eve, my angel surprised me by visiting twice in my dream that night. I shall blog about that later... but before that the delay in posting my dream, is haunting me for the past couple of days..... more so the day did not end on a happy note too. Depression has started to eat me again, slowly, giving me sleepless nights. The joy of holding a baby in the cocoon of my womb is not bothering me now, for all that i am worried is about my little angel and my little angel alone. Since yesterday, i have withdrawn myself into a shell, a shell made out of the memories of my beautiful daughter, her naughtiness, her smile and the days i got to spend with her.

Being alone at home helps me in a way as i am surrounded by silence most of the time and this allows me to connect with my angel, whenever i feel so. Memories of the struggle that she went through flashes in my mind, when my life is at rough waters. When i am in pain, i think of her and communicate to her all that i am going through, and more so thinking of the efforts she put in to come out of the pain, gives me the strength to move on in present day situations. My heart has become rigid, there is no place for compassion, sympathy and empathy, even for my own kith and kin. Everything in life seems to be meaningless and worthless as all that matters to me is my angel only.

Having said so, don't estimate me to be a person who is brooding over what i do not have... NO... not at all.. there are times, when i was forced to gift some of my precious items to some relatives... all this does not come to my attention at all.. ALL that matters to me is my ANGEL... and my ANGEL alone. I am not brooding over her loss... i am unable to accept the reality that she is not with me...

That she is not with me physically, is what i have come to terms with as of now..... i am unable to live without her for she was the beat of my heart, she was the air that i breathed, she was the vision of my eyes.... now missing all that is painful. I never realised the importance of a daughter, until i lost her.... when she was in pain, all that she could do was to moan, not to cry, as i have taught her only to smile, when she was in my womb. She came out to this world as an obedient daughter, who learnt all her lessons in the protected cocoon of her mother. She never shed tears.... still there are days and nights when i would scold her for moaning... i did not realise that she was in pain.. only after her death, i came to know of the structural condition of her heart, how shattered it was... with so much wounds inside, she kept me happy throughout.

I was so happy and proud that i had borne a girl child, but failed to value the importance that she carried to my life. As a mother, i was able to keep her company only till 1'o clock midnight... after which the devil in my comes forefront to kill the motherhood in me.... basically i loved to sleep a lot, and when i became sleep deprived, it start showing on my actions... particularly towards my innocent daughter. Sometimes she bore the brunt of my anger too.... After all this wrong doings to such a mighty and tiny heart, the only satisfaction that i can hold is that i expressed milk until 2 years of her age, when she herself realised it is time to leave... leave everything thing a child would need... food, clothing and all the worldly materials behind.... soon after she stopped taking her feeds from me, in a matter of three months, everything came to a end. My life was shattered. I was in wilderness and everything came to a standstill. There was unexpected powercut for three continuous days after her loss... nature too bid farewell with a heavy heart.... sudden uproar of the clouds, heavy rain and wind brought down the branches of coconut trees in the neighbouring streets.... it was a surprise for all of us, as only few streets surrounding our house experienced all this.... beyond that the sky was clear, the soil was dry and trees were dull....all this happened in the month of june, a month that the rain gods never wished to visit our city.....this proves now where she is.... i wish i had been more matured and acted as a true mother in all the sense, for then i would not have lost her lovely touch.... EVER.

Unexpected Visit

We are making regular hospital visits for the past two days to get a checkup done... the delay is unexpected and irritates me a lot... still i bear it, coz my angel is there with me to guide me through. Coming back home after a tiresome journey, finished my lunch and went for a quick nap. On our way back from the hospital, i was recollecting the happy moments spent with my angel and was communicating to her to visit me, once i reach home....she was hungry too... so after she had her lunch, and when her mother connected to her in her nap.... there she came.. unexpected.

First thing that surprised me was the place she visited, for she never was in the company of people whom she has not met or never wanted to meet... this time, the scene shifted to my maternal grandparents house, where my aunt and uncle too are seen.... They are making fun of my situation... having given birth to a weak child.... this worries me and my mom.. but we carry on with the usual routine :) There is a lot of confusion in the house and my angel is sleeping peacefully amidst the hues and cries around. When i was about to leave somewhere, she wakes up and is awaiting her usual cuddle from me... when i wrap her legs around my waist and hug her tightly, she lifts herself high up and bends backwards, which i am unable to hadle... she keeps playing tossy tossy with me....

I then woke up as usual, to prepare the evening tea and the milk feed for my daughter.... minutes later i realise that she visited me in my dream and i was overwhelmed by her assurance once again as my communication was a success.... counting the days to hold her in my arms :)

Why disturb me ?????

Human beings.... the craziest creation of God.... me thinks... for they come in different avatars and unlike animal kind... they are different in all kinds.... be it nature, sharing love among family members, treating members of the same family, treating the people they love and they hate... etc. I come from a family that disturbs not the peace of others and knows nothing but helping hands and spreading love. I am a jolly person and was not aware of pain and worries until post marriage. The elders of the family that i stepped in, were advising us as newly married and soon this continued even after years of knowing how to behave in the family.

I conceived my angel very late.. after nearly 5 years of marriage and was happy with the way things were moving... until they started warning me everytime, of the eclipse close to my delivery date. This worried me throughout my pregnancy for we believe that a pregnant woman should listen to good music, hear good things, read good stories and talk good too, as otherwise she might pass on the bad vibrations to the foetus. Everytime i had to call them, they would enquire about their son and his well being.. finally minutes before ending the call they would ask as to where i am... at their son's place or my parents'.... and at last comes about enquiring my health. This sometimes even put my husband in a fix, but he did not dare to tell his parents not to bother me with the usual routine of questions.... months passed on and finally my lovely daughter arrived on a saturday evening at 05:59 hours....the time the we usually light traditional oil lamps at home every day.

Everyone in the family was excited and happy as i was able to bring in Goddess Lakshmi, the Goddess of wealth, with the birth of my daughter. This happiness lasted only a few minutes as days after her birth, people started comparing her (the only girl child in the family) with other grand children. This i did not like and as early as she was 10 days old, this difference of showering love started becoming evident. My husband and i know that the baby will be born with some trouble as predicted in the pregnancy tests and were prepared to face even the worst...not knowing that i am putting my little one in trouble. My daughter had difficulty suckling and this was worrying us... we took her to some peadiatricians who asked us to wait for a few days for her to learn this.... it was our bad time that they did not diagnose the danger earlier itself.... finally my tolerance level gave up when my inlaws cursed that my daughter would not survive at all... at 40 days of birth.....

Still those words ring in my ears for they have come true.... now my daughter is not alive to live in this troubled world... i am leading a life in the memories of my beloved angel... i stopped interacting with people who were worrying me earlier .... slowly i distanced myself and made my point clear to my husband that i need calmness and not disturbance... after so much happening in life in the past 10 years of marriage, i had the courage to put my foot down on certain things. This courage was given to me by my daughter, who is there to support me in all my odds. I told him strictly not to convey anything about me to his family members, nor did i want them to enquire about me to him. Two years passed this way... then started coming the intrusions and advice again....

With some unexpected incidents, they sent a messenger a few months back to look into the situation... i gave them back what they deserved.... now with a new life growing inside me.... they want to patch things up..... but i do not want them in any way.... be it physical or mental support... i would feel better if they stop disturbing me and my child... i would be at peace if they stop bothering me with their so called advice .....i am content with the "HELP" already received from them...... i am totally unhappy with the way my husband is letting them know my develpments... i have earlier warned him .... yes warned him not to do so.... i still have no idea as to why he continues to do so...i find his actions strange nowadays...

whether they are for good ???????????? only my angel has to assure me of that ....

For a person like me who would not give others suggestions or advice... a person who can only listen to others troubles...... who never ever intended to poke my nose in others' affairs... why should everyone jump in, to give advice... my only expectation is that the opponent behaves to me in the manner i behave with them.... if i am good, be good to me... if  i am bad, be bad to me.... simple.

Heart full of Guilt

With only myself at home all day, i enjoy the silence that is surrounding me.... for this gives peace to the otherwise troubled mind.. and also the calmness that no one is around to disturb. As mentioned in my earlier blogs, i am happy when i am depressed, as only then i am deeply in thought of my daughter and all that happened to her. Now, My angel has proved that she is nourishing my womb once again and i am happy after the reassurance from her. On the other hand, her visits in my dream have reduced too and she comes only once in a month. The first trimester left me restricted at home and i had delayed her meal almost daily. All this worries me and leaves me guilty as i am unable to lookafter her sincerely. Coping up with regular duties became difficult and i was delaying her feeds as usual. I started criticising myself for having conceived this baby, as i am unable to attend to my angel. I was content with the moments that i had to spend with her and the memories that i am spending of her now. Honestly when i did not ask or expect for a second child, this sudden turn of events has left me confused. Will i be able to look after my angel as i did all these days, hereafter???? Will i forget about her at all ???? These doubts wander in my mind and i feel low most of the time.


With a heart full of guilt and anger towards my actions i find it difficult to sleep. My only hope.. that my daughter would visit me one day or the other.... as said earlier, my angel is coming rarely in my dreams... with memories of troubled and dark past, even my dreams have started to frighten me nowadays. My in laws are in a separate home and invite my husband along with me to come to their place. We two go and our relatives come in a little later. For no fault of mine, i am cornered and everyone in the family is pointing their fingers at me. With no one to support and help me out of the situation, i run to my husband hoping to find some relief. He is helpless too and fails to console me. Heart broken with disappointment, i wake up from this scary nightmare and cry to my daughter to help me with some calmness and peace.

On an other night, i failed to feed my daughter, before having my dinner... this left me with a heavy heart and i went to bed on failing to be a proper mother. That night, my angel visited me as i was communicating to her for the failure i am ..... she was very hungry and walked straight to me for a glass of milk. As i was busy with household chores, i ask my sister to feed her the milk after instructing her as how my baby needs to be positioned for the feed. Though my sister grooms kids very well, she misses this time and accidently milk enters my daughter's nose... immediately i rush to her help and pick up a fight with my lovely sister for feeding my angel the wrong way...

Two days back... my angel visted me again... this time she was not well and walks to me very weak and dull.... she needs to ease herself and i lay her on my lap only to find that she has outgrown.... so i adjust myself to position her properly.... as she is ill, she eases her on my hands and the floor too becomes soiled... my mom is there to help me and clean up the place. As my daughter i about 4 years now, she has to be readied for school... i am worried to send her to school as she is not well... but she seems to be excited to go to school and is wearing a white uniform frock with a black belt...with her study bag to her back... she runs to get into a public bus and stands next to me holding my legs tight.... the bus is crowded and we two travel on the foot board... worried that she might fall, i ask my sister to hold her in her lap and not to hold her tight... my baby is sweating and i am worried about her health condition... when i ask her as to will she be able to listen to the teachings at school... she smiles at me as tells me that she knows everything... i as a mother is worried, and tell her to raise her hand incase she has any doubts in class.... as her health condition is deteriorating even before she reaches school... i weep nonstop...... in my dream and out of it too....

The next morning i narrate this dream to my mom and tears ran down my cheecks uncontrollably.... my mom too started crying on the other end of the telephone as she was unable to listen to the worries of her daughter...... then she consoled me for the baby that i am carrying inside... for this baby too would be worried on understand the emotions of its mother. Still there are moments when i doubt my pregnancy and have to check with my doctor that i am ok and the baby is fine. Fortnight visits to the gynac gives me the assurance that the baby is growing normal and healthy and also the strength for me to move on.

With memories of my angel's naughtiness and smiles carried deeply in my mind, i pass the coming days hoping to hold her back in my arms.

My angel Proves it again

It's been a long time since i blogged about the relationship i celebrate with my little angel. There has a sudden turn of events and things are not going the way we plan. So letting things happen their way and accepting life as it comes, we are leading our day to day routine in a more sober manner. Due to this, my angel never visited me in the past one month. I was very much worried, as whenever i think from my heart, she would definitely bless me with her visit. This failed to happen in the past few weeks and this was my main worry. There were days that i forgot to get a morning glimpse of her... she usually welcomes my morning by blessing me with the chirpy sparrows flying before me. Chiding myself, i went to bed. Unable to catchup a peaceful sleep i was tossing left and right and the scenes where she suffered a lot, were flashing in my memory. I couldn't help but cry out loud in the middle of the night, troubling my husband to worry a lot.

Even after continuous requests from him, i was not consoling myself and rather adding fuel to the fire was my closely shut lips. I was unable to express to him as to what was going in my mind.. i was speechless for sometime and then came back to senses to narrate what i was going through. This brought anger in him that he scolded me to behave myself, as she is around us, watching our actions from up above. After about 10-15 mins i was able to control my emotions and was talking to her, pleading to visit me in my dream. To get some rest, i downed a glass of water and went to bed. Until the wee hours, i was in a disturbed state of mind, aware of the tossing and turning in bed. Woke up early in the morning and requested her to please visit me atleast once. With this internal-vibrational conversation with her i again went to bed.

It was some festival time at home and my mother was busy decorating the doorway with traditional rangoli. My father was busy receiving some old school mates of mine. The main door is totally damaged and am enquiring about it. This school mate, enquires about my child and passes his condolences to me. Worried about her loss, i don't care to talk to him too much, as i did not wish to rewind the sad past. I join my mother in her rangoli and return indoors for some food preparation. Here i see my daughter lying in the centre table amidst the chaos that is surrounding her. She is laid in a white loin cloth and sleeping after a lot of cajoling and pampering. Suddenly she jolts herself from sleep to the voice of her great grandmother, who is chanting some slokas. I scold my granma for chanting mantras so loud, the she woke up my daughter. Usually quiet and calm granma, shouts back at me and my daughter, thinking that she would pacify her back to sleep. To this, my angel pukes some milk, that she had before going to sleep. So i lift her to pacify and immediately she regurgitates all the food that she had had. I am so worried as she was already suffering from a bad cold and am pleading my mom to do so home remedies to stop this.

Waiting to hold her in my arms....

I am crying for help as my baby is in trouble. I cry out loud, that i woke myself from this beautiful dream of mine. I call this beautiful, as my daughter visited me. She has answered my request and also have proven to me that she is with me now. I am not going to worry hereafter about her well being, as she is in me and with me and my husband. Am yet to tell this to my husband, who only knows that my lil angel visited me in my dream. She has assured me once again that she never fails to be by my side, whenever i am in trouble and distress. Thank you darling, for you keep proving yourself that you are watching us and guiding us, even when this bad mama forgets to think about you.

WHEN THE GOING GETS TOUGH.. THE TOUGH GETS GOING

Neither long, nor too short, I took a break from blogging, the past couple of months. I was
happy to finish reading my first book, which is my favourite too... MANY LIVES, MANY MASTERS. The chapters towards the end of the book were an eye-opener for it opened a new arena
of thinking before me. There was this chapter, where the departed SOUL tells its beloved, that
IT is in a happy place and there is no need for worry or sorrow or the feeling of loss of its
absence. After reading these lines, waiting in a queue, i felt like i heard them personally
from my daughter herself, as i was seeking for the quality of place she is resting now.

Being a mother, i was worried of her safety when i was by her side, more so when she is now by
our side to guide us. This VOICE of the soul, brought in me a state of calmness and
understanding. An understanding that all souls are happier now than they were on earth. That
moment of enlightenment made me a better person and i was happy to share the VOICE with
my husband too. He seemed not to accept it the way i have conceived it. Still he remains much
more calm and steady than i am. On completing my journey to the Masters of this Universe, life
seemed to be quiet and neat for me and the road ahead looked okay for the rest of the travel.

Love this pic of us together... our first trip to the beach

Days passed and so did nights... not more of the nightmares. Yet this brought in me a sense of
loss as i was not getting any more dreams about my li'l angel. This was the cause of worry
for me as i am lacking those magical, beautiful moments of being by her side, enjoying
her touch and smell. Her visits to her mother has considerably reduced in the last few months.
She blessed me with her sight a couple of times... by drinking milk one day and by doing
some cross-leg crunches for me the other day.

Why does this happen?????????? 

This question seems to be torturing me every other day as i am deprived of her embrace nowadays.
Is this the result of the VOICE that i heard or am i leading my life too casual so that
i am free from thinking about her. The latter suits me best for an answer. I have changed
a lot and i know that the present ME is a fake one and the smiles and laughter that show on
my face are not real. It gives a lot of pain, when someone notices it on me. The loss of my
angel has left my life void of all the happiness that i had in her presence. I was a very
proud mother, though she was a ailing through her life with a smile always.
She has tought us a lesson the toughest yet simplest way that
WHEN THE GOING GETS TOUGH, THE TOUGH GETS GOING....

YES, my angel has made me and my husband the toughest in our family.
When Doctors and friends interpret it to be our strenght, only we two know that we both
are TOUGH. We have become tough to face the world which is laid of not so soft road ahead.

Failing to be a mother

I have been on a long break all these weeks. Its been almost a month since i blogged something about the relationship between me and my daughter. I was dumped on the ground because of depression and though i was out of it a bit, now am once again getting the blows. Not sleeping properly, not eating on time, failing to do the daily chores and most important .... skipping the regular feeds for my angel, i am becoming a walking corpse day by day. Still i manage to hide all of this from my dear husband as he totally disapproves of my actions. He keeps telling me that "when rape is inevitable, just relax and enjoy" ... Also he feels that if you are here to live your karma, you have to tolerate it. Else better die and leave this earth. Very true to our situation as on date. Both of us are struggling to live life to the fullest, in our own ways. He is finding it difficult to cope up with his office work and me. So i have made up my mind, not to disturb him with my worries too. The moment i hear the calling bell and the musical knocks on the door, every night, i immediately have a mask on my face. The mask that makes him feel,  "my wife is normal now". I know that he is crying inside, and he knows very well that i am crying inside. Still both of us move around the house, and in our lives to falsely believe either of us is normal.

There are times that i laugh too, but the moment i realise that i am laughing (be it some joke or humourous movie scenes i am watching on tv), i feel guilty. How can i smile, laugh and be merry when the apple of my eye is at a place far off from where i am?????? Isn't this fake???? My friends who brought me up from depression weeks back, found out that i am happy only when i am depressed. Yes, they are intelligent enough to find that out. I love to be in the vacuum created by the absence of my daughter and i wish not to come out to breathe air. Once air enters, vacuum disappears. So let me enjoy this silence that is available free of cost at my house.

Is it enough to just enjoy the silence?????? if i need to put this silence into use, i need to communicate with my daughter, who is there to listen and answer my prayers. ok. How to communicate with her???? The answer is very simple. Take care of her by giving her the feeds on time. Am i doing this right????

N-O ... NO. Yes i am not doing it and i am ashamed of not doing it. How can i be so mean in taking care of of my MOTHER, who gave me her life to survive. She has protected me from danger, all the time, she was there with me, Still she is protecting me and my family. Is this what it is to be a mother???????? NO. A true mother is one who cares for her children all the time with all the heart and love she has in her. This way i am not being a true mother and i have nothing in my heart... leave alone the doubt whether i have one.

Leading a life as per my wishes and go, i am putting my daughter in trouble. She is not with me physically. This doesn't mean she doesn't have a soul. The soul which is guiding me and my husband in our day to day life, has to be taken care of. I have read in the books of Dr. Brian Weiss that pain and sufferings are very much physical. Once the body reaches the soul state, there is always a feeling of calmness and happiness. Enlightenment and Acceptance come in, and the soul keeps on learning until it reaches the ONE. I am sure my daughter is the ONE for me and my husband. We look forward to her for all our answers for the troubles that we are going through. Still she comes to our rescue at difficult times and protect us from the harmful world that  we live in. All this act of hers need to be duely rewarded. That reward can be done my only one person, and that is me. I have to reward her for giving back my life without any pain during my labour hours. Am i being honest in returning the luck that i am enjoying?????????? There is no compulsion that i have to reward for everything that i am blessed with. But for her, i have to be a true mother and a true worshipper who whole heartedly surrenders and submits herself to her GODDESS. When will i be ???? More important, WILL I BE???????????

Need strength to face the dreams

Nowadays i am a bit lazy or not too interested in doing things... thanks to depression.. which is eating me live.... sometimes for days together. This is like an epidemic which has conquered me even when i am fighting it strong and has caught  hold of my smile and movements around the house. For days to gether, i am sitting in front of the computer glaring at empty webpages....burning dishes left uncared on the kitchen counter....

                           DEPRESSION

What is wrong with me... i am not thinking about my daughter, for i am not helping her with her regular feeds on time. Suddenly i realise that it past her feeding time and by criticising and tolerating myself, i gather up to feed her something or the other. All this worries me a lot, as i am failing to be a complete mother. The past few weeks had been wonderful for one thing that happened very often..... I was dreaming and was living with more dreams as the weeks rolled by.

The nostalgia of my daughter and her company and the strength that she was keeps me going till date and whenever i yearn to touch her and be by her side..... she blesses me with her presence.

There are many such instances that happened in the past few weeks and i shall go on to describe them one after the other...

The guilt of not saving her from her critical surgery was haunting me and as usual i was discussing with her this topic of being a stupid mother. This probably was my last conversation with her for that day and soon i must have slept.... though i dont remember when i closed my eyes. I was in my grandpa's house and my mother was there, feeding her grand daughter. She is cajoling my daughter by carrying her in her hips...feeding her the favourite mashy mashy curd rice.. My naughty lil one is refusing to eat properly and suddenly i hear a growling very close by. To my shock, it was a wild animal...a cheetah in white colour... After all dreams are colourful and you can dream anything colourful...

This cheetah is hiding it self near the walls of the compound and is very angry as it is hungry. It is watching my daughter closely, as she is having her lunch... this cheetah too which wants to have it lunch is slowly getting up from its tired slumber and moves forward... I am more worried and not being a brave woman, am very afraid and scared by this wild animal's presence. The gigantic paws and the fierce looking eyes scare my life out of me...still when it comes to my child, i need to take a bold step... i whisper to my mother to take shelter in our neighbour's house as the cheetah is about to leap ... my mother, in order to save my child, cover her in her saree and very quickly cross the steel barrier between the two houses and enters my neighbour's garden. The cheetah, on seeing all this action, gets up in all fours and leaps the barrier at a wink of the eye.... Am totally stunned as i have no idea what is happening and shout out loud "OH BABY" ...soon i realise that this cheetah has taken the form of a bull -  white bull..  whether i saved my daughter ??????????? NO ..... I woke up in the middle of my sleep and couldn't sleep for the next few minutes as i couldn't believe it to be a dream...

Later, after that nightmare, i drank some water to forget it and to console myself that it was only a dream and my angel is safe in her bed in heaven, i go back to bed. Now there are some other string of thoughts and i am disturbed again.... this time it was my in-laws.... The whole family has got together on some occassion and every one is very curious to know about my daughter...the way she behaves, her illness and her deficiencies...all this they want to know, not to help me...but to enjoy a good gossip. My child, my angel is taken for a ride, her illness is ignored and she is being treated as a toy in their hands... my relative is pouring little drops of water on her head and is enjoying it dripping by her eyes...she is enjoying it though, even without realising that she is being made fun of.. i am helpless as even my husband is not supporting me in caring for my child....i am weeping through out and finally muster the courage to lift my child from those iron hands and hearts..... Did i save my child ???????? I DON'T KNOW.....

The above two incidents tell me one thing....i am psychologically wounded.... i am more attached to my daughter as she was my MOTHER in the sense, she gave me my second birth.

She dared to risk her life to bring me back to life. She cared enough for me, not to torture me with knife cuts and came out naturally. She was not a Caesar baby. Both of us share the same birthstar and she responded to each and every request of mine, when she was in my womb. Even her birth timing was requested by me and she obliged...

Secondly my in laws did not appreciate her ....first she was the only girl child in the family after their own daughter... all the other grandchildren being boys. Here too she resembles me, as i was the first girl child after my mom in her family .. also i was the first girl baby in my father's family too, my cousins being boys...

My in-laws mostly compared my angel with the other boys in the family..which i hate very much..each child in the family is different and each child to the same mother also is different. People who are civilised and cultured must be able to understand this even if they are illiterates. They always looked at her as an exhibition product...never have they come forward to help me .... even when she was with them for a shorter time... so much to say..but i think i shall stop here as i don't want to discuss such negative vibes of mine here....

All this has left a wound in me that even in my dreams i am troubled by their ..... don't know what to say behaviour...

Still i need more strength and courage to face this as.... i can live with my daughter, only in my dreams. MISS MY LITTLE ANGEL A LOT <3