My little angel always visits me in my dream, when i am totally immersed in nostalgia...I talk to her all the time, all through day and night. I see her in whatever i do...i cook meals to her taste and the two of us - me and my husband enjoy it whole heartedly. Nowadays, the taste of the food or its appearance doesnt matter to us...it is just the food, be it anything to feed the stomach during hunger. So this night, when i was thinking of her and talking to her though not aloud, she blessed me with her touch, smile and her body and soul. She was hungry and wanted curd rice...her favourite. I mashed the rice with hand and was feeding her, while she enjoyed every mouthful, sitting on my lap. Finally she started to regurgitate and i stopped feeding her..she is too small to know for herself as to howmuch is enough and i am too immature to know how much her tummy can hold. I wipe her mouth as she hates something sticky...jus like her mother :)
As she came to me as an infant, she wanted mother's milk to feel full...babies always yearn for this, atleast a drop to satisfy themselves :-) even after they feel full. I LOVE TO FEED HER as she was weak otherwise.. didnt bother troubling myself expressing it most of the times...even my mom would make fun of me that i am exerting myself toomuch..but i enjoyed this. every moment i did this. afterall what is a mother for?? Also i was adamant to feed her every drop of my blood, untill she disliked it. So got myself ready to feed her the manna.. Only then did i notice that she opened her mouth to show me one grain of curd rice, sticking to her tongue... She is always naughty, though she might not know what she is upto..it allows me to enjoy every minute with her.
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| These li'l fingers....i want to hold again in my life |
I don't know what to write and how to write...tonight my thoughts are disturbed and it reflects in this post, i know. Already troubled with the nostalgia of the days spent with her - both good and bad, i am in a mood to let out my feelings here, now. Everyday passes like hell to me...there are days when i have been reluctant in doing my duties to her, not because she is not here, but because i did not want to. I dont feed her, so i dont eat anything. At times, i am damn hungry when i think too much about her.. I eat a lot. I stuff myself with all that is edible. Finally, when everything calms, down i realise what i have done to myself. This happens often and is irreversible as of now. Sometimes i enjoy being hungry and think of how it would be to be in hunger. I want to go through the pain that she went through to understand things better. Even all that put me off earlier, are bliss to me now.. have become more tolerant and patient than ever in my life. Lessons learned from my lil angel.... In a way i gain energy in calling her name when i am unable to complete a task.
I think of her in all that i do...when i feel pain, i think of her ...the days and ways i put her to those punishing therapy lessons. Actually she was not in need of all that...everything that was earthly...dress, walking, talking, anger all that stuff which is materialistic. She was always in constant contact with the ONE...murmuring something and doing some actions, which might not seem to be ok for people like us who think we are "normal", but when you read between lines, every action of hers had a deeper message to convey. Today, when i talk to her, she reciprocates in some form or the other. Daily i pray to her first thing in the morning after wishing her and when i call her to show me where she is....there she flies in the open, bright morning sky, fluttering her wings happily in the air - as a sparrow, in the sparrow. She tells me not to worry and that she is there whenever i think of her, whenever i want to see her. Also this has an underlying meaning....she is free from this world.. free from pain...free as a bird...flying high in the vast space where everything seems to be blissful and happy and fun and cheer.
Waking up to see this beautiful scene everyday, keeps me going in a way. I feel, though the going is tough, the tough keeps going....by this i mean, that living is very difficult for the two of us, still the grief period is not over, it is continuing....
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