Wish my Dream comes true.....

Bidding goodnight to my daughter, i go to bed every night. For the past two days this little angel of mine is appearing in my dream to keep me in good company. This night she came up to me walking, expressing the charms of her nude body, beign adorn by a golden hip chain...sits on my lap and calls me "amma" with a smile as usual. On greeting her, she starts scratching her bottom and to my amusement, has dirtied herself.. so had to take her to the loo to get her clean :-) This dream, i think might be a reflection of my thoughts that night when i was thinking of how she would manage in the second world without me and my help...oh no she has already proven that she can get hold of this worldly matters like a pro..infact she is now the gaurdian angel as said by Dr. Brian Weiss, guiding us in our earthly activities..



Walking Beauty



Coming back to the sequel to the dream i had the previous night, yesterday she was enjoying the music on a toy keyboard with her father helping her press the keys...she was having a whale of a time and relishing every bit of it with her usual chuckles and laughter...love you darling. Even my request to her dad that let her try playing on her own, went into dumb ears...she is always a different child when it comes to her father. Rather when she goes to her father.. she becomes so quiet, calm, sophisticated, mature and displays all the qualities even i would never have learnt.  This was with no doubt enjoyed by him too with all the pride of being a dad to such a wonderful kid in this world.

Now all that i wish for is the day when these dreams of me would come true to my eyes, in my life and in the family that is awaiting the birth of a child with her look alike.

KNOWING ..is it a film or my life????

After the loss of my daughter i am into the seeking of what could be the reason for her short term of connection to this world...more particular to me and my family. This question is BIG enough to fill my mind whenever i think of her.

 My daughter breathed her last on the operation theatre. From the day she came on this earth, she was conveying so many things to the people around her, especially to me as a mother. Always she would point her little finger and the ring finger in the air, when she was days old...this just not meant reflex actions to me...they warned me of some danger. My instinct said that the child is in danger and there are days when i would tell this to my mother and cry. Though she would console me saying that my daughter is after all a kid and would chide away my fears saying they might be silly.... You know what..those fingers told me that she would have to pass a difficult stage in her life when she is 2 months old...and once again whe she was 2 years old...

Her first encounter with DEATH happened when she was 2months old...had a shunt done on those brittle body, tried hard enough to bring her carbondioxide levels down, which were way too high even for an adult...but succeeded DEATH and  kicked him till she could meet that evil again in 1 1/2 years time. This time she was answering all our questions and our requests with a hum...she never answered my doubt whether she would get operated for a corrective surgery...FEAR as it gripped me when she was months old, did not even dare to show his sign to me this time... i was confident enough not only on the surgeon who operated on my daughter, but on her as whole.. she was the epitomy of confidence to me and seeing her laugh till she was given a sleeping dose, gave me the power to believe that she will be back soon healthy and what not to expect....

I was the one who gave her the sleeping drug on doctor's advice and put her to sleep......no not on my lap but in my LIFE. She was forced the syrup, which she hesitated to drink...even if i had not given her, she would be sleeping only, as she is now... maybe she knew that there was no need of the medicines, IVs, injections or any anesthesia...minutes before her departure, she stood on her own, climbing on the wall to show to her dad for the first time that she can conquer the world.....(he never had the chance to see her developments as he was living away from us due to work)  Now that he has seen first her new development, cannot boast of it as it did not last, neither for him nor for us to cherish....

All these thoughts linger in my mind day and night. Ofcourse there cannot be a day or night that i cannot be not thinking of her. Engrossed in the process to find a solution to her connection, i started reading the book MANY LIVES, MANY MASTERS by Dr. Brian Weiss. As described by him in the book, something really came to picture yesterday night. I was watching the film KNOWING on an english channel and the movie, as i thought would be a story only about predictions proved me wrong. In fact it seemed to bring out a new meaning for the title itself, in me.

The father of the son who has some special powers, tries to figure out as to what is happening to his son...likewise i am in persuit of a meaning for my daughter's life and death. Especially the climax scenes where the kids are taken away from this materialistic world...by some supreme power...this was what i learnt after reading the book. Though the lines were strong enough to reproduce the letters in vision, the movie added another level to my vision of how the ETERNAL being would be and how the VOICE OF THE MASTER would draw his candidates one after the other as demanded by him... i know that my little angel would have been accompanied to a pleasant world outside this earth, far away from these earthly matters....she would definetely be playing around in a peaceful atmosphere than what i have or could have provided her..

I AM YEARNING TO SEE MY DAUGHTER GROW IN THAT WORLD...SURE SHE WOULD RECOGNISE ME THE MOMENT I STEP THERE AND WELCOME ME WITH HER ALWAYS BEAUTIFUL SMILE

Love you manasvini maa....miss you a lot...please come back to me or accept me wherever you are

Eyes are powerful

Today i am going to show to the world, my daughter MANASVINI....her name means a lot and she means more than that to me. She was the apple of my eye and loves to hear the song by strawberry short cake...you are my honey bunch sugar....she smiles at the ringtone and laughs to my version of that song. Born with a severe heart complication, she never complicated my life..never even thought of that or had ever expressed her difficulties. As told earlier she was the form of what was moulded by me when i was bearing her...always had the captivating smile on her face come what may and greeted even strangers with her lovely smile. She has taught me patience, endurance and many more in life. Infact she has educated me on what LIFE is. I have learnt to look at things differently...earlier even a power cut would put me off and i would be restless till i see the light. Now after her loss i have got a new meaning to LIGHT...the light of the Eternal power. To me and my husband she is ETERNAL and is now the GUARDING ANGEL of our day to day activities. We have started to believe in a SUPREME POWER..on a new perspective. Though she was diagnosed with the defect in 41days from birth, it seemed a defect to me and people like me, but for her, she was as normal as any human on earth. Learning to live with what life has given her. There was always a glow in her eyes and the spark to live life beyond the physical being..because of her physical inability she was unable to perform like any child her age. But did this not stop her from being "NORMAL" in her terms. She was a topic of amusement for some and for others it was too much concern for her. This made me feel bad as only I know the value of a child and the meaning of MOTHER is more than the letters. So i stopped from socialising with people who were earlier more friendly to me and my daughter. I started to live life along with her the way she wanted me to behave for her. Both of us shared a special bond, the one different from any mother and daughter. Infact my mother was amazed to see the relationship i shared with my daughter. Looking at this picture of hers is self explanatory as to what i have been describing in today's blog about her.

Why i am here????

Hi to all bloggers who would visit my blog...Infact this is my debut blogging, though i have tried my hands on writing some notes in social networking sites. I am trying this technique of writing down the feelings that i am going through, as i am not in to the habit of penning a diary. I want to see a new world, or rather to put it in clear terms, would like to see the world differently. As the saying goes "Don't do different things...try doing things differently", i would like to look at the society from a different perspective. To put things clear, i lost my wonderful daughter named MANASVINI, meaning....one who satisfies and reciprocates according to your feelings even without mouthing it. It was the name suggested to me by Goddess LALITHA, when i was chanting her 1008 names on an auspicious Friday. So decided to name my daughter after Her. Having said that, my daughter was truely brought up the similar way Arjun's son Abhimanyu was taught the tactics of Chakravyuha in the greatest Indian epic MAHABHARATHA....my little angel, li'l princess as i would call her was also moulded by me in the womb. I would wake up to the chants of RUDRAM and CHAMAKAM and in the evenings used to listen and sing HANUMAN CHAALISA and LALITHA SAHASRANAMAM, daily. This was my routine during my pregnancy and this continued even after her birth. The moment she is restless...the chanting of RUDRAM  would calm her down. She had her lullabies in HANUMAN CHAALISA....ok why am i narrating all that i did to her when she was alive both inside and outside me???????

....because i want all you readers to know that i believe strongly that whatever you see, listen and speak while carrying a child, would reflect in the wellbeing of the child and so in the way the child grows on in their life....so coming back to answer my question.. i want more friends...by which i mean that i don''t want people who do not understand the respect for others. I want to make friends from mutual bloggers who share a same tragedy as me...not only that.... i want to live life as WHO I AM AND WHAT I AM. There were times that i had lived as a daughter, a wife, a sister, a daughter-in-law and many such avatars in the past and some even continues even till my last...but i want to live life for myself....i want to search for my identity...a person who was always seen with a smile on her face, who knew not what it is to be without fun....i want to see the ME that i have lost....ofcourse, i would like to search for the reason behind my identity as a MOTHER .......