I WAS LUCKY

Everytime is potty time for my angel. Whenever she visits me in my dream, she would always ease herself...either on me or on her cloth bed. This is what she has been doing all those times, she gave me an appearance. So, yesterday, while going to bed, i was disturbed by her loss and was thinking about all the goodtimes that we shared together. She would bite me hard and burst into laughter, as soon as i start crying. Earlier, this would put me in a rough mood, as i was not patient and sometimes, i have shouted at her. But oflate, i started enjoying all that she enjoys to do... so i deliberately offer myself for those longlasting bites and see her happy all the time i do it. All these thoughts linger in my mind when i am awake and alone. Even when i am in a company, i can be alone to myself with my angel.

Tossing on the bed for a comfortable posture, i was talking to her.. Calling her back to me as life is meaningless and dull and dead, etc., without my angel. Tears started peeping out of my eyelids. Not intended to disturb my already half asleep husband, i wipe it silently and lie next to him. Soon one after the other, thoughts started pouring in and i was into a kind of meditation....taking me deep into nostalgia, every minute. Finally when i was in a deep state of conversation with her, she appeared, as usual. Tall, slim, beautiful, curly haired, smiling her charm. I am with my parents, sister and husband, with my little one on the floor. She is easing herself in her style of lifting her legs to the abdomen... poo-pooing she wants me to kajol her and i do it as i wish to .... due to some uneasyness, she is clinging on to my waist very tight, and i ask my sister to check whether she is pottying again. To everyone's amusement and relaxation, my naughty passes wind with some stress.



Fresh from the shower



Father's pet..is that you???

Meanwhile, i ask my mom to check whether my dad had readied the water for her as she usually bathes in lukewarm water. My dad is checking the same in the bathroom, while my angel asks "தாத்தா வெந்நீர் போட்டுடாள்ளா? "  All present at home is dumbstruck as we never expected her to reciprocate what she has heard and would speak back !!!!! I am proud of her that at this young age she is able to understand conversations and give a reply to it. We all are very happy that her brain is functioning like any normal child, that she is able to form sentences and questions too. Soon she gets down from me and walks into the bedroom, wearing a white nightdress (shimmi). I call her to stop her from proceeding towards bathing,"டி Manasvini, நில்லுடி அம்மா வந்து உனக்கு நன்னா எண்ணெய் தேச்சு குளிப்பாட்டரேன்"  to which she replies "நானே குளிச்சிபேன் மா".  I am dumbstruck as she has grown up this big, that she can manage a bath on her own and talks very mature for her age. She has grown so tall now, to the height of a 5-6 year old child for her age of 2 years. Looks more beautiful than ever. Smiling always at all those she meets. Uncombed frizzy and curly hair. I love her a lot, especially her legs, which she must have incurred from her dad.

P.S. : Chutty we are expecting you in our lives at the earliest. Please do come back to us in your same appearance and qualities, which i think no other child can match in this whole world. LOVE YOU PATTU PAAPULI :)
Yours lovingly,
amma :)

I AM HERE WITH YOU.....

Working out after a long time, got me really tired and slept with body pain. Unable to doze off as usual, i was disturbed by string of events all through the night. Tossing on the bed for hours together, finally eased myself and closed my eyes at 3 in the morning. Sleeping beauty shined on me and soon i was in a peaceful rest. My little angel is very cute and chirpy like a bird and comes walking to me with just a hip chain and her anklets on.... slowly steps her tiny little feet on the floor and moves forward holding the edges of the book shelf. The shelf is dirty, and the books are strewn all over, helter-skelter. She comes close to me and says "இங்க பாரு, இங்க பாரு", then lifts a book larger than her size and goes through the first few pages of it. Waving it left and right with her usual giggle, she flings the book in style :-) To the amusement of everyone present at home, with her, she enjoys what she has done. I LOVE HER FOR WHAT SHE IS. I make fun of her by calling her "robot - rajini" and she has her mouth opened wide with a continuous laugh and giggle. All of us enjoy this pleasant action of hers, but.....it was a dream.

Very naughty.....look at her, you will know why :-)

After a while, when she is asleep, i hear the purring of a cat. so i look around and ask my sister as to where the sound comes from... even she is not sure and in between again we both hear the sound....you know what it was not a real cat but my kitten which was making the sounds in her sleep. My sister and i, share a  smile to which, i tell her "maybe she is dreaming and making such sounds". Soon after my lil angel tosses to her side and is wetting the bed in her sleep. She enjoys her bath this way and i didn't disturb her as she might be forced to stop easing herself. Being a mother, i cannot let my child sleep in the wetness and that too of a "body waste". I lift her, to wipe her bottoms, but she seems to be disturbed from her "rest".....again this is also a dream, not only for her, but for me too.

The house is crowded with all our relatives as something untoward has happened. I am not sure what it is, but i am more tensed and worried rather than anyone around, as i am awaiting the return of my daughter. My father and sister had gone out and had taken my Lil one with them. Though my mind says that my sis would take care of her, my heart badly needs to see her now..... There comes the maid of our neighbour who informs me that my daughter is being brought in an auto-rickshaw.....i am in a confused state of mind, as to why a healthy baby be brought home in a vehicle....of course when they all left, they carried my daughter on their shoulders, and my dad being a strong man, why is he in a situation to carry my daughter in an auto-rickshaw??!!! Mostly i see my angel to be healthy and smiling in all my dreams.....With tears about to roll down, i hug my baby, who is after all sleeping on her way back home.....

Why? Why should i have a dream, not one but three different situations, in which i am very close with my daughter. I am able hear her talk, see her walk, enjoy her actions and reactions......all this was not possible of her on her own, as she had difficulties with standing on her bare foot, leave alone walking. She did not talk even a single word for her age of 27 months.....All that she did all the time was to smile and laugh and make others around her happy. She was put to rigorous training. (i would call that a punishment which i enjoyed sadistically). I wish that all these dreams don't stop here to just be a dream, but to become a vision, a vision of this couple to have her back in our lives......PLEASE SHOWER SOME BABY DUST ON US, THAT OF A GIRL AND THAT OF MANASVINI HERSELF.....the ever smiling angel of ur house.

I, rather all of us, wanted her to "behave normally like any other child", but she was "behaving normally" from her perspective. There is an irony in her LIFE....she was born with severe heart defects, yet she lived her life like all other children on earth. Born healthy and with no physical or mental ailments, we thought that ONLY people like us are NORMAL......

Like i now realise, after her loss, PAIN AND PROBLEMS AND EMOTIONS ARE INDIVIDUAL TO ANY INDIVIDUAL. Each one of  us have our own degree of limits / bare ability to all the above said......

This could be well supported by an old saying in Tamil, which when translated would be

"Not all fingers of a hand are similar"