This christmas eve, my angel surprised me by visiting twice in my dream that night. I shall blog about that later... but before that the delay in posting my dream, is haunting me for the past couple of days..... more so the day did not end on a happy note too. Depression has started to eat me again, slowly, giving me sleepless nights. The joy of holding a baby in the cocoon of my womb is not bothering me now, for all that i am worried is about my little angel and my little angel alone. Since yesterday, i have withdrawn myself into a shell, a shell made out of the memories of my beautiful daughter, her naughtiness, her smile and the days i got to spend with her.
Being alone at home helps me in a way as i am surrounded by silence most of the time and this allows me to connect with my angel, whenever i feel so. Memories of the struggle that she went through flashes in my mind, when my life is at rough waters. When i am in pain, i think of her and communicate to her all that i am going through, and more so thinking of the efforts she put in to come out of the pain, gives me the strength to move on in present day situations. My heart has become rigid, there is no place for compassion, sympathy and empathy, even for my own kith and kin. Everything in life seems to be meaningless and worthless as all that matters to me is my angel only.
Having said so, don't estimate me to be a person who is brooding over what i do not have... NO... not at all.. there are times, when i was forced to gift some of my precious items to some relatives... all this does not come to my attention at all.. ALL that matters to me is my ANGEL... and my ANGEL alone. I am not brooding over her loss... i am unable to accept the reality that she is not with me...
That she is not with me physically, is what i have come to terms with as of now..... i am unable to live without her for she was the beat of my heart, she was the air that i breathed, she was the vision of my eyes.... now missing all that is painful. I never realised the importance of a daughter, until i lost her.... when she was in pain, all that she could do was to moan, not to cry, as i have taught her only to smile, when she was in my womb. She came out to this world as an obedient daughter, who learnt all her lessons in the protected cocoon of her mother. She never shed tears.... still there are days and nights when i would scold her for moaning... i did not realise that she was in pain.. only after her death, i came to know of the structural condition of her heart, how shattered it was... with so much wounds inside, she kept me happy throughout.
I was so happy and proud that i had borne a girl child, but failed to value the importance that she carried to my life. As a mother, i was able to keep her company only till 1'o clock midnight... after which the devil in my comes forefront to kill the motherhood in me.... basically i loved to sleep a lot, and when i became sleep deprived, it start showing on my actions... particularly towards my innocent daughter. Sometimes she bore the brunt of my anger too.... After all this wrong doings to such a mighty and tiny heart, the only satisfaction that i can hold is that i expressed milk until 2 years of her age, when she herself realised it is time to leave... leave everything thing a child would need... food, clothing and all the worldly materials behind.... soon after she stopped taking her feeds from me, in a matter of three months, everything came to a end. My life was shattered. I was in wilderness and everything came to a standstill. There was unexpected powercut for three continuous days after her loss... nature too bid farewell with a heavy heart.... sudden uproar of the clouds, heavy rain and wind brought down the branches of coconut trees in the neighbouring streets.... it was a surprise for all of us, as only few streets surrounding our house experienced all this.... beyond that the sky was clear, the soil was dry and trees were dull....all this happened in the month of june, a month that the rain gods never wished to visit our city.....this proves now where she is.... i wish i had been more matured and acted as a true mother in all the sense, for then i would not have lost her lovely touch.... EVER.
Being alone at home helps me in a way as i am surrounded by silence most of the time and this allows me to connect with my angel, whenever i feel so. Memories of the struggle that she went through flashes in my mind, when my life is at rough waters. When i am in pain, i think of her and communicate to her all that i am going through, and more so thinking of the efforts she put in to come out of the pain, gives me the strength to move on in present day situations. My heart has become rigid, there is no place for compassion, sympathy and empathy, even for my own kith and kin. Everything in life seems to be meaningless and worthless as all that matters to me is my angel only.
Having said so, don't estimate me to be a person who is brooding over what i do not have... NO... not at all.. there are times, when i was forced to gift some of my precious items to some relatives... all this does not come to my attention at all.. ALL that matters to me is my ANGEL... and my ANGEL alone. I am not brooding over her loss... i am unable to accept the reality that she is not with me...
I was so happy and proud that i had borne a girl child, but failed to value the importance that she carried to my life. As a mother, i was able to keep her company only till 1'o clock midnight... after which the devil in my comes forefront to kill the motherhood in me.... basically i loved to sleep a lot, and when i became sleep deprived, it start showing on my actions... particularly towards my innocent daughter. Sometimes she bore the brunt of my anger too.... After all this wrong doings to such a mighty and tiny heart, the only satisfaction that i can hold is that i expressed milk until 2 years of her age, when she herself realised it is time to leave... leave everything thing a child would need... food, clothing and all the worldly materials behind.... soon after she stopped taking her feeds from me, in a matter of three months, everything came to a end. My life was shattered. I was in wilderness and everything came to a standstill. There was unexpected powercut for three continuous days after her loss... nature too bid farewell with a heavy heart.... sudden uproar of the clouds, heavy rain and wind brought down the branches of coconut trees in the neighbouring streets.... it was a surprise for all of us, as only few streets surrounding our house experienced all this.... beyond that the sky was clear, the soil was dry and trees were dull....all this happened in the month of june, a month that the rain gods never wished to visit our city.....this proves now where she is.... i wish i had been more matured and acted as a true mother in all the sense, for then i would not have lost her lovely touch.... EVER.
May God bless you with Your beautiful Manasvini again. You are in my prayers dear. Hope you can hold her and see her smile again soon.
ReplyDeleteThanks Ramya. Wish that day is not far.
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