Birthday Surprise

My birthday falls on the eve of christmas. I was eager in celebrating it though, but simple after my marriage. I would buy myself a black forest cake and enjoy it for the next two days :)
After the loss of my angel, my life was filled with vaccum and i was depressed until few months back. There has been some unexpected turn of events as you all know, but still celebrations are passe'... I was not well on the eve of my birthday and had to meet the doctor for a recovery. As i returned home late, the dinner time of my angel was delayed and i offered her some oranges. When i am not cooking anything for my daughter, it leaves me with a sense of guilt. This has been happening offlate as i am unable to cook fresh for dinner. Thinking of the lame person i am, chiding myself for not being a good mother, i went to bed after my regular dose of medicines.

I reached a dream state immediately, thanks to the effect of medication. I am at my parents' place and the house is heavily crowded. I am holding my angel in my arms as she has just woken up and i love to smell her body scents all the time. She seems to be weak and potties in her diapers... this i am able to feel through the heat of the soiled diaper. When i am about to clean her bottom, my in-laws and the group of relatives enter our house. Everyone is unhappy with me as i have not brought their grandchild home... i am still at my mom's place. On the otherhand i am totally angry with them for having cursed my baby with less survival chances. My husband, as usual is in the scene but helpless. He is busy working on his laptop concentrating only on his office work and not paying attention to the chaos surrounding him and the house. I cry for help and call out to him... to which he replies that he is preoccupied with this official duties and shall help me only after it is over. So in order to defend myself and my baby, i pick up a fight with my mother in law and question her as to how they can curse my child... after a heated argument, she shouts at me asking that should she beg at my feet for an excuse..... i am helpless as even my parents cannot out talk my in laws and so i continue crying for help ... in and out of my sleep....

This weeping woke my husband, who was shocked to see me with tears in my eyes for otherwise i sleep silent... i am not that sort of a person who shouts, screams and laughs and talks in their dreams.... he was repeatedly asking me as to what had happened... i was dumbstruck for i could not explain what i went through in my dream....it was a nightmare... and these types of dreams always are.

I compose myself and get back to bed, only to woken up again with another nightmare.... this was clear to me until two days back.. i must have blogged it immediately... but the nightmare was haunting me even in day time, that i was not in a mood for a blog.... here i was holding my angel in my arms, and she is very weak again... i think we both were travelling in a van or some public transport... my mom too was there, but suddenly a helicopter comes crashing down and it is pushing the vehicle in which we are, at unimaginable speed... everyone is shouting and crying for help, but of no use... i lift my baby high in the air and shout out loud that i shall never let anything happen to her..... with this i get up from my sleep, totally shocked and shaken....my birthday dawns with this nightmare.... i pass the day with being to myself... no celebrations... no conversations... no special cooking... no cakes....

Why i am blogging all this leaves me wonder... most of my dreams happen in my mother's place with only the people my daughter was friendly to. Most of the times, my inlaws pose a threat to me and my child and my husband whenever he is present in the scene, is always helpless...think this has something to do with my psychology... i was thrown in shock after my marriage and it still reflects in my dreams...more so the curse on my daughter is what i cannot forget that easily..nor can i forgive those who uttered those deadly words.... this shall stay on forever with me until my last breath and i wish it stays on, for only then i can always think about my daughter and the good memories that she has left behind... only this is the solace to the otherwise troubled mind, which is frightened by the nightmares very often.

Everything comes to a standstill

This christmas eve, my angel surprised me by visiting twice in my dream that night. I shall blog about that later... but before that the delay in posting my dream, is haunting me for the past couple of days..... more so the day did not end on a happy note too. Depression has started to eat me again, slowly, giving me sleepless nights. The joy of holding a baby in the cocoon of my womb is not bothering me now, for all that i am worried is about my little angel and my little angel alone. Since yesterday, i have withdrawn myself into a shell, a shell made out of the memories of my beautiful daughter, her naughtiness, her smile and the days i got to spend with her.

Being alone at home helps me in a way as i am surrounded by silence most of the time and this allows me to connect with my angel, whenever i feel so. Memories of the struggle that she went through flashes in my mind, when my life is at rough waters. When i am in pain, i think of her and communicate to her all that i am going through, and more so thinking of the efforts she put in to come out of the pain, gives me the strength to move on in present day situations. My heart has become rigid, there is no place for compassion, sympathy and empathy, even for my own kith and kin. Everything in life seems to be meaningless and worthless as all that matters to me is my angel only.

Having said so, don't estimate me to be a person who is brooding over what i do not have... NO... not at all.. there are times, when i was forced to gift some of my precious items to some relatives... all this does not come to my attention at all.. ALL that matters to me is my ANGEL... and my ANGEL alone. I am not brooding over her loss... i am unable to accept the reality that she is not with me...

That she is not with me physically, is what i have come to terms with as of now..... i am unable to live without her for she was the beat of my heart, she was the air that i breathed, she was the vision of my eyes.... now missing all that is painful. I never realised the importance of a daughter, until i lost her.... when she was in pain, all that she could do was to moan, not to cry, as i have taught her only to smile, when she was in my womb. She came out to this world as an obedient daughter, who learnt all her lessons in the protected cocoon of her mother. She never shed tears.... still there are days and nights when i would scold her for moaning... i did not realise that she was in pain.. only after her death, i came to know of the structural condition of her heart, how shattered it was... with so much wounds inside, she kept me happy throughout.

I was so happy and proud that i had borne a girl child, but failed to value the importance that she carried to my life. As a mother, i was able to keep her company only till 1'o clock midnight... after which the devil in my comes forefront to kill the motherhood in me.... basically i loved to sleep a lot, and when i became sleep deprived, it start showing on my actions... particularly towards my innocent daughter. Sometimes she bore the brunt of my anger too.... After all this wrong doings to such a mighty and tiny heart, the only satisfaction that i can hold is that i expressed milk until 2 years of her age, when she herself realised it is time to leave... leave everything thing a child would need... food, clothing and all the worldly materials behind.... soon after she stopped taking her feeds from me, in a matter of three months, everything came to a end. My life was shattered. I was in wilderness and everything came to a standstill. There was unexpected powercut for three continuous days after her loss... nature too bid farewell with a heavy heart.... sudden uproar of the clouds, heavy rain and wind brought down the branches of coconut trees in the neighbouring streets.... it was a surprise for all of us, as only few streets surrounding our house experienced all this.... beyond that the sky was clear, the soil was dry and trees were dull....all this happened in the month of june, a month that the rain gods never wished to visit our city.....this proves now where she is.... i wish i had been more matured and acted as a true mother in all the sense, for then i would not have lost her lovely touch.... EVER.

Unexpected Visit

We are making regular hospital visits for the past two days to get a checkup done... the delay is unexpected and irritates me a lot... still i bear it, coz my angel is there with me to guide me through. Coming back home after a tiresome journey, finished my lunch and went for a quick nap. On our way back from the hospital, i was recollecting the happy moments spent with my angel and was communicating to her to visit me, once i reach home....she was hungry too... so after she had her lunch, and when her mother connected to her in her nap.... there she came.. unexpected.

First thing that surprised me was the place she visited, for she never was in the company of people whom she has not met or never wanted to meet... this time, the scene shifted to my maternal grandparents house, where my aunt and uncle too are seen.... They are making fun of my situation... having given birth to a weak child.... this worries me and my mom.. but we carry on with the usual routine :) There is a lot of confusion in the house and my angel is sleeping peacefully amidst the hues and cries around. When i was about to leave somewhere, she wakes up and is awaiting her usual cuddle from me... when i wrap her legs around my waist and hug her tightly, she lifts herself high up and bends backwards, which i am unable to hadle... she keeps playing tossy tossy with me....

I then woke up as usual, to prepare the evening tea and the milk feed for my daughter.... minutes later i realise that she visited me in my dream and i was overwhelmed by her assurance once again as my communication was a success.... counting the days to hold her in my arms :)

Why disturb me ?????

Human beings.... the craziest creation of God.... me thinks... for they come in different avatars and unlike animal kind... they are different in all kinds.... be it nature, sharing love among family members, treating members of the same family, treating the people they love and they hate... etc. I come from a family that disturbs not the peace of others and knows nothing but helping hands and spreading love. I am a jolly person and was not aware of pain and worries until post marriage. The elders of the family that i stepped in, were advising us as newly married and soon this continued even after years of knowing how to behave in the family.

I conceived my angel very late.. after nearly 5 years of marriage and was happy with the way things were moving... until they started warning me everytime, of the eclipse close to my delivery date. This worried me throughout my pregnancy for we believe that a pregnant woman should listen to good music, hear good things, read good stories and talk good too, as otherwise she might pass on the bad vibrations to the foetus. Everytime i had to call them, they would enquire about their son and his well being.. finally minutes before ending the call they would ask as to where i am... at their son's place or my parents'.... and at last comes about enquiring my health. This sometimes even put my husband in a fix, but he did not dare to tell his parents not to bother me with the usual routine of questions.... months passed on and finally my lovely daughter arrived on a saturday evening at 05:59 hours....the time the we usually light traditional oil lamps at home every day.

Everyone in the family was excited and happy as i was able to bring in Goddess Lakshmi, the Goddess of wealth, with the birth of my daughter. This happiness lasted only a few minutes as days after her birth, people started comparing her (the only girl child in the family) with other grand children. This i did not like and as early as she was 10 days old, this difference of showering love started becoming evident. My husband and i know that the baby will be born with some trouble as predicted in the pregnancy tests and were prepared to face even the worst...not knowing that i am putting my little one in trouble. My daughter had difficulty suckling and this was worrying us... we took her to some peadiatricians who asked us to wait for a few days for her to learn this.... it was our bad time that they did not diagnose the danger earlier itself.... finally my tolerance level gave up when my inlaws cursed that my daughter would not survive at all... at 40 days of birth.....

Still those words ring in my ears for they have come true.... now my daughter is not alive to live in this troubled world... i am leading a life in the memories of my beloved angel... i stopped interacting with people who were worrying me earlier .... slowly i distanced myself and made my point clear to my husband that i need calmness and not disturbance... after so much happening in life in the past 10 years of marriage, i had the courage to put my foot down on certain things. This courage was given to me by my daughter, who is there to support me in all my odds. I told him strictly not to convey anything about me to his family members, nor did i want them to enquire about me to him. Two years passed this way... then started coming the intrusions and advice again....

With some unexpected incidents, they sent a messenger a few months back to look into the situation... i gave them back what they deserved.... now with a new life growing inside me.... they want to patch things up..... but i do not want them in any way.... be it physical or mental support... i would feel better if they stop disturbing me and my child... i would be at peace if they stop bothering me with their so called advice .....i am content with the "HELP" already received from them...... i am totally unhappy with the way my husband is letting them know my develpments... i have earlier warned him .... yes warned him not to do so.... i still have no idea as to why he continues to do so...i find his actions strange nowadays...

whether they are for good ???????????? only my angel has to assure me of that ....

For a person like me who would not give others suggestions or advice... a person who can only listen to others troubles...... who never ever intended to poke my nose in others' affairs... why should everyone jump in, to give advice... my only expectation is that the opponent behaves to me in the manner i behave with them.... if i am good, be good to me... if  i am bad, be bad to me.... simple.

Heart full of Guilt

With only myself at home all day, i enjoy the silence that is surrounding me.... for this gives peace to the otherwise troubled mind.. and also the calmness that no one is around to disturb. As mentioned in my earlier blogs, i am happy when i am depressed, as only then i am deeply in thought of my daughter and all that happened to her. Now, My angel has proved that she is nourishing my womb once again and i am happy after the reassurance from her. On the other hand, her visits in my dream have reduced too and she comes only once in a month. The first trimester left me restricted at home and i had delayed her meal almost daily. All this worries me and leaves me guilty as i am unable to lookafter her sincerely. Coping up with regular duties became difficult and i was delaying her feeds as usual. I started criticising myself for having conceived this baby, as i am unable to attend to my angel. I was content with the moments that i had to spend with her and the memories that i am spending of her now. Honestly when i did not ask or expect for a second child, this sudden turn of events has left me confused. Will i be able to look after my angel as i did all these days, hereafter???? Will i forget about her at all ???? These doubts wander in my mind and i feel low most of the time.


With a heart full of guilt and anger towards my actions i find it difficult to sleep. My only hope.. that my daughter would visit me one day or the other.... as said earlier, my angel is coming rarely in my dreams... with memories of troubled and dark past, even my dreams have started to frighten me nowadays. My in laws are in a separate home and invite my husband along with me to come to their place. We two go and our relatives come in a little later. For no fault of mine, i am cornered and everyone in the family is pointing their fingers at me. With no one to support and help me out of the situation, i run to my husband hoping to find some relief. He is helpless too and fails to console me. Heart broken with disappointment, i wake up from this scary nightmare and cry to my daughter to help me with some calmness and peace.

On an other night, i failed to feed my daughter, before having my dinner... this left me with a heavy heart and i went to bed on failing to be a proper mother. That night, my angel visited me as i was communicating to her for the failure i am ..... she was very hungry and walked straight to me for a glass of milk. As i was busy with household chores, i ask my sister to feed her the milk after instructing her as how my baby needs to be positioned for the feed. Though my sister grooms kids very well, she misses this time and accidently milk enters my daughter's nose... immediately i rush to her help and pick up a fight with my lovely sister for feeding my angel the wrong way...

Two days back... my angel visted me again... this time she was not well and walks to me very weak and dull.... she needs to ease herself and i lay her on my lap only to find that she has outgrown.... so i adjust myself to position her properly.... as she is ill, she eases her on my hands and the floor too becomes soiled... my mom is there to help me and clean up the place. As my daughter i about 4 years now, she has to be readied for school... i am worried to send her to school as she is not well... but she seems to be excited to go to school and is wearing a white uniform frock with a black belt...with her study bag to her back... she runs to get into a public bus and stands next to me holding my legs tight.... the bus is crowded and we two travel on the foot board... worried that she might fall, i ask my sister to hold her in her lap and not to hold her tight... my baby is sweating and i am worried about her health condition... when i ask her as to will she be able to listen to the teachings at school... she smiles at me as tells me that she knows everything... i as a mother is worried, and tell her to raise her hand incase she has any doubts in class.... as her health condition is deteriorating even before she reaches school... i weep nonstop...... in my dream and out of it too....

The next morning i narrate this dream to my mom and tears ran down my cheecks uncontrollably.... my mom too started crying on the other end of the telephone as she was unable to listen to the worries of her daughter...... then she consoled me for the baby that i am carrying inside... for this baby too would be worried on understand the emotions of its mother. Still there are moments when i doubt my pregnancy and have to check with my doctor that i am ok and the baby is fine. Fortnight visits to the gynac gives me the assurance that the baby is growing normal and healthy and also the strength for me to move on.

With memories of my angel's naughtiness and smiles carried deeply in my mind, i pass the coming days hoping to hold her back in my arms.