Failing to be a mother

I have been on a long break all these weeks. Its been almost a month since i blogged something about the relationship between me and my daughter. I was dumped on the ground because of depression and though i was out of it a bit, now am once again getting the blows. Not sleeping properly, not eating on time, failing to do the daily chores and most important .... skipping the regular feeds for my angel, i am becoming a walking corpse day by day. Still i manage to hide all of this from my dear husband as he totally disapproves of my actions. He keeps telling me that "when rape is inevitable, just relax and enjoy" ... Also he feels that if you are here to live your karma, you have to tolerate it. Else better die and leave this earth. Very true to our situation as on date. Both of us are struggling to live life to the fullest, in our own ways. He is finding it difficult to cope up with his office work and me. So i have made up my mind, not to disturb him with my worries too. The moment i hear the calling bell and the musical knocks on the door, every night, i immediately have a mask on my face. The mask that makes him feel,  "my wife is normal now". I know that he is crying inside, and he knows very well that i am crying inside. Still both of us move around the house, and in our lives to falsely believe either of us is normal.

There are times that i laugh too, but the moment i realise that i am laughing (be it some joke or humourous movie scenes i am watching on tv), i feel guilty. How can i smile, laugh and be merry when the apple of my eye is at a place far off from where i am?????? Isn't this fake???? My friends who brought me up from depression weeks back, found out that i am happy only when i am depressed. Yes, they are intelligent enough to find that out. I love to be in the vacuum created by the absence of my daughter and i wish not to come out to breathe air. Once air enters, vacuum disappears. So let me enjoy this silence that is available free of cost at my house.

Is it enough to just enjoy the silence?????? if i need to put this silence into use, i need to communicate with my daughter, who is there to listen and answer my prayers. ok. How to communicate with her???? The answer is very simple. Take care of her by giving her the feeds on time. Am i doing this right????

N-O ... NO. Yes i am not doing it and i am ashamed of not doing it. How can i be so mean in taking care of of my MOTHER, who gave me her life to survive. She has protected me from danger, all the time, she was there with me, Still she is protecting me and my family. Is this what it is to be a mother???????? NO. A true mother is one who cares for her children all the time with all the heart and love she has in her. This way i am not being a true mother and i have nothing in my heart... leave alone the doubt whether i have one.

Leading a life as per my wishes and go, i am putting my daughter in trouble. She is not with me physically. This doesn't mean she doesn't have a soul. The soul which is guiding me and my husband in our day to day life, has to be taken care of. I have read in the books of Dr. Brian Weiss that pain and sufferings are very much physical. Once the body reaches the soul state, there is always a feeling of calmness and happiness. Enlightenment and Acceptance come in, and the soul keeps on learning until it reaches the ONE. I am sure my daughter is the ONE for me and my husband. We look forward to her for all our answers for the troubles that we are going through. Still she comes to our rescue at difficult times and protect us from the harmful world that  we live in. All this act of hers need to be duely rewarded. That reward can be done my only one person, and that is me. I have to reward her for giving back my life without any pain during my labour hours. Am i being honest in returning the luck that i am enjoying?????????? There is no compulsion that i have to reward for everything that i am blessed with. But for her, i have to be a true mother and a true worshipper who whole heartedly surrenders and submits herself to her GODDESS. When will i be ???? More important, WILL I BE???????????