Nowadays i am a bit lazy or not too interested in doing things... thanks to depression.. which is eating me live.... sometimes for days together. This is like an epidemic which has conquered me even when i am fighting it strong and has caught hold of my smile and movements around the house. For days to gether, i am sitting in front of the computer glaring at empty webpages....burning dishes left uncared on the kitchen counter....
DEPRESSION
What is wrong with me... i am not thinking about my daughter, for i am not helping her with her regular feeds on time. Suddenly i realise that it past her feeding time and by criticising and tolerating myself, i gather up to feed her something or the other. All this worries me a lot, as i am failing to be a complete mother. The past few weeks had been wonderful for one thing that happened very often..... I was dreaming and was living with more dreams as the weeks rolled by.
The nostalgia of my daughter and her company and the strength that she was keeps me going till date and whenever i yearn to touch her and be by her side..... she blesses me with her presence.
There are many such instances that happened in the past few weeks and i shall go on to describe them one after the other...
The guilt of not saving her from her critical surgery was haunting me and as usual i was discussing with her this topic of being a stupid mother. This probably was my last conversation with her for that day and soon i must have slept.... though i dont remember when i closed my eyes. I was in my grandpa's house and my mother was there, feeding her grand daughter. She is cajoling my daughter by carrying her in her hips...feeding her the favourite mashy mashy curd rice.. My naughty lil one is refusing to eat properly and suddenly i hear a growling very close by. To my shock, it was a wild animal...a cheetah in white colour... After all dreams are colourful and you can dream anything colourful...
This cheetah is hiding it self near the walls of the compound and is very angry as it is hungry. It is watching my daughter closely, as she is having her lunch... this cheetah too which wants to have it lunch is slowly getting up from its tired slumber and moves forward... I am more worried and not being a brave woman, am very afraid and scared by this wild animal's presence. The gigantic paws and the fierce looking eyes scare my life out of me...still when it comes to my child, i need to take a bold step... i whisper to my mother to take shelter in our neighbour's house as the cheetah is about to leap ... my mother, in order to save my child, cover her in her saree and very quickly cross the steel barrier between the two houses and enters my neighbour's garden. The cheetah, on seeing all this action, gets up in all fours and leaps the barrier at a wink of the eye.... Am totally stunned as i have no idea what is happening and shout out loud "OH BABY" ...soon i realise that this cheetah has taken the form of a bull - white bull.. whether i saved my daughter ??????????? NO ..... I woke up in the middle of my sleep and couldn't sleep for the next few minutes as i couldn't believe it to be a dream...
Later, after that nightmare, i drank some water to forget it and to console myself that it was only a dream and my angel is safe in her bed in heaven, i go back to bed. Now there are some other string of thoughts and i am disturbed again.... this time it was my in-laws.... The whole family has got together on some occassion and every one is very curious to know about my daughter...the way she behaves, her illness and her deficiencies...all this they want to know, not to help me...but to enjoy a good gossip. My child, my angel is taken for a ride, her illness is ignored and she is being treated as a toy in their hands... my relative is pouring little drops of water on her head and is enjoying it dripping by her eyes...she is enjoying it though, even without realising that she is being made fun of.. i am helpless as even my husband is not supporting me in caring for my child....i am weeping through out and finally muster the courage to lift my child from those iron hands and hearts..... Did i save my child ???????? I DON'T KNOW.....
The above two incidents tell me one thing....i am psychologically wounded.... i am more attached to my daughter as she was my MOTHER in the sense, she gave me my second birth.
She dared to risk her life to bring me back to life. She cared enough for me, not to torture me with knife cuts and came out naturally. She was not a Caesar baby. Both of us share the same birthstar and she responded to each and every request of mine, when she was in my womb. Even her birth timing was requested by me and she obliged...
Secondly my in laws did not appreciate her ....first she was the only girl child in the family after their own daughter... all the other grandchildren being boys. Here too she resembles me, as i was the first girl child after my mom in her family .. also i was the first girl baby in my father's family too, my cousins being boys...
My in-laws mostly compared my angel with the other boys in the family..which i hate very much..each child in the family is different and each child to the same mother also is different. People who are civilised and cultured must be able to understand this even if they are illiterates. They always looked at her as an exhibition product...never have they come forward to help me .... even when she was with them for a shorter time... so much to say..but i think i shall stop here as i don't want to discuss such negative vibes of mine here....
All this has left a wound in me that even in my dreams i am troubled by their ..... don't know what to say behaviour...
Still i need more strength and courage to face this as.... i can live with my daughter, only in my dreams. MISS MY LITTLE ANGEL A LOT <3
DEPRESSION
What is wrong with me... i am not thinking about my daughter, for i am not helping her with her regular feeds on time. Suddenly i realise that it past her feeding time and by criticising and tolerating myself, i gather up to feed her something or the other. All this worries me a lot, as i am failing to be a complete mother. The past few weeks had been wonderful for one thing that happened very often..... I was dreaming and was living with more dreams as the weeks rolled by.
The nostalgia of my daughter and her company and the strength that she was keeps me going till date and whenever i yearn to touch her and be by her side..... she blesses me with her presence.
There are many such instances that happened in the past few weeks and i shall go on to describe them one after the other...
The guilt of not saving her from her critical surgery was haunting me and as usual i was discussing with her this topic of being a stupid mother. This probably was my last conversation with her for that day and soon i must have slept.... though i dont remember when i closed my eyes. I was in my grandpa's house and my mother was there, feeding her grand daughter. She is cajoling my daughter by carrying her in her hips...feeding her the favourite mashy mashy curd rice.. My naughty lil one is refusing to eat properly and suddenly i hear a growling very close by. To my shock, it was a wild animal...a cheetah in white colour... After all dreams are colourful and you can dream anything colourful...
This cheetah is hiding it self near the walls of the compound and is very angry as it is hungry. It is watching my daughter closely, as she is having her lunch... this cheetah too which wants to have it lunch is slowly getting up from its tired slumber and moves forward... I am more worried and not being a brave woman, am very afraid and scared by this wild animal's presence. The gigantic paws and the fierce looking eyes scare my life out of me...still when it comes to my child, i need to take a bold step... i whisper to my mother to take shelter in our neighbour's house as the cheetah is about to leap ... my mother, in order to save my child, cover her in her saree and very quickly cross the steel barrier between the two houses and enters my neighbour's garden. The cheetah, on seeing all this action, gets up in all fours and leaps the barrier at a wink of the eye.... Am totally stunned as i have no idea what is happening and shout out loud "OH BABY" ...soon i realise that this cheetah has taken the form of a bull - white bull.. whether i saved my daughter ??????????? NO ..... I woke up in the middle of my sleep and couldn't sleep for the next few minutes as i couldn't believe it to be a dream...
Later, after that nightmare, i drank some water to forget it and to console myself that it was only a dream and my angel is safe in her bed in heaven, i go back to bed. Now there are some other string of thoughts and i am disturbed again.... this time it was my in-laws.... The whole family has got together on some occassion and every one is very curious to know about my daughter...the way she behaves, her illness and her deficiencies...all this they want to know, not to help me...but to enjoy a good gossip. My child, my angel is taken for a ride, her illness is ignored and she is being treated as a toy in their hands... my relative is pouring little drops of water on her head and is enjoying it dripping by her eyes...she is enjoying it though, even without realising that she is being made fun of.. i am helpless as even my husband is not supporting me in caring for my child....i am weeping through out and finally muster the courage to lift my child from those iron hands and hearts..... Did i save my child ???????? I DON'T KNOW.....
The above two incidents tell me one thing....i am psychologically wounded.... i am more attached to my daughter as she was my MOTHER in the sense, she gave me my second birth.
She dared to risk her life to bring me back to life. She cared enough for me, not to torture me with knife cuts and came out naturally. She was not a Caesar baby. Both of us share the same birthstar and she responded to each and every request of mine, when she was in my womb. Even her birth timing was requested by me and she obliged...
Secondly my in laws did not appreciate her ....first she was the only girl child in the family after their own daughter... all the other grandchildren being boys. Here too she resembles me, as i was the first girl child after my mom in her family .. also i was the first girl baby in my father's family too, my cousins being boys...
My in-laws mostly compared my angel with the other boys in the family..which i hate very much..each child in the family is different and each child to the same mother also is different. People who are civilised and cultured must be able to understand this even if they are illiterates. They always looked at her as an exhibition product...never have they come forward to help me .... even when she was with them for a shorter time... so much to say..but i think i shall stop here as i don't want to discuss such negative vibes of mine here....
All this has left a wound in me that even in my dreams i am troubled by their ..... don't know what to say behaviour...
Still i need more strength and courage to face this as.... i can live with my daughter, only in my dreams. MISS MY LITTLE ANGEL A LOT <3
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