My angel Proves it again

It's been a long time since i blogged about the relationship i celebrate with my little angel. There has a sudden turn of events and things are not going the way we plan. So letting things happen their way and accepting life as it comes, we are leading our day to day routine in a more sober manner. Due to this, my angel never visited me in the past one month. I was very much worried, as whenever i think from my heart, she would definitely bless me with her visit. This failed to happen in the past few weeks and this was my main worry. There were days that i forgot to get a morning glimpse of her... she usually welcomes my morning by blessing me with the chirpy sparrows flying before me. Chiding myself, i went to bed. Unable to catchup a peaceful sleep i was tossing left and right and the scenes where she suffered a lot, were flashing in my memory. I couldn't help but cry out loud in the middle of the night, troubling my husband to worry a lot.

Even after continuous requests from him, i was not consoling myself and rather adding fuel to the fire was my closely shut lips. I was unable to express to him as to what was going in my mind.. i was speechless for sometime and then came back to senses to narrate what i was going through. This brought anger in him that he scolded me to behave myself, as she is around us, watching our actions from up above. After about 10-15 mins i was able to control my emotions and was talking to her, pleading to visit me in my dream. To get some rest, i downed a glass of water and went to bed. Until the wee hours, i was in a disturbed state of mind, aware of the tossing and turning in bed. Woke up early in the morning and requested her to please visit me atleast once. With this internal-vibrational conversation with her i again went to bed.

It was some festival time at home and my mother was busy decorating the doorway with traditional rangoli. My father was busy receiving some old school mates of mine. The main door is totally damaged and am enquiring about it. This school mate, enquires about my child and passes his condolences to me. Worried about her loss, i don't care to talk to him too much, as i did not wish to rewind the sad past. I join my mother in her rangoli and return indoors for some food preparation. Here i see my daughter lying in the centre table amidst the chaos that is surrounding her. She is laid in a white loin cloth and sleeping after a lot of cajoling and pampering. Suddenly she jolts herself from sleep to the voice of her great grandmother, who is chanting some slokas. I scold my granma for chanting mantras so loud, the she woke up my daughter. Usually quiet and calm granma, shouts back at me and my daughter, thinking that she would pacify her back to sleep. To this, my angel pukes some milk, that she had before going to sleep. So i lift her to pacify and immediately she regurgitates all the food that she had had. I am so worried as she was already suffering from a bad cold and am pleading my mom to do so home remedies to stop this.

Waiting to hold her in my arms....

I am crying for help as my baby is in trouble. I cry out loud, that i woke myself from this beautiful dream of mine. I call this beautiful, as my daughter visited me. She has answered my request and also have proven to me that she is with me now. I am not going to worry hereafter about her well being, as she is in me and with me and my husband. Am yet to tell this to my husband, who only knows that my lil angel visited me in my dream. She has assured me once again that she never fails to be by my side, whenever i am in trouble and distress. Thank you darling, for you keep proving yourself that you are watching us and guiding us, even when this bad mama forgets to think about you.

WHEN THE GOING GETS TOUGH.. THE TOUGH GETS GOING

Neither long, nor too short, I took a break from blogging, the past couple of months. I was
happy to finish reading my first book, which is my favourite too... MANY LIVES, MANY MASTERS. The chapters towards the end of the book were an eye-opener for it opened a new arena
of thinking before me. There was this chapter, where the departed SOUL tells its beloved, that
IT is in a happy place and there is no need for worry or sorrow or the feeling of loss of its
absence. After reading these lines, waiting in a queue, i felt like i heard them personally
from my daughter herself, as i was seeking for the quality of place she is resting now.

Being a mother, i was worried of her safety when i was by her side, more so when she is now by
our side to guide us. This VOICE of the soul, brought in me a state of calmness and
understanding. An understanding that all souls are happier now than they were on earth. That
moment of enlightenment made me a better person and i was happy to share the VOICE with
my husband too. He seemed not to accept it the way i have conceived it. Still he remains much
more calm and steady than i am. On completing my journey to the Masters of this Universe, life
seemed to be quiet and neat for me and the road ahead looked okay for the rest of the travel.

Love this pic of us together... our first trip to the beach

Days passed and so did nights... not more of the nightmares. Yet this brought in me a sense of
loss as i was not getting any more dreams about my li'l angel. This was the cause of worry
for me as i am lacking those magical, beautiful moments of being by her side, enjoying
her touch and smell. Her visits to her mother has considerably reduced in the last few months.
She blessed me with her sight a couple of times... by drinking milk one day and by doing
some cross-leg crunches for me the other day.

Why does this happen?????????? 

This question seems to be torturing me every other day as i am deprived of her embrace nowadays.
Is this the result of the VOICE that i heard or am i leading my life too casual so that
i am free from thinking about her. The latter suits me best for an answer. I have changed
a lot and i know that the present ME is a fake one and the smiles and laughter that show on
my face are not real. It gives a lot of pain, when someone notices it on me. The loss of my
angel has left my life void of all the happiness that i had in her presence. I was a very
proud mother, though she was a ailing through her life with a smile always.
She has tought us a lesson the toughest yet simplest way that
WHEN THE GOING GETS TOUGH, THE TOUGH GETS GOING....

YES, my angel has made me and my husband the toughest in our family.
When Doctors and friends interpret it to be our strenght, only we two know that we both
are TOUGH. We have become tough to face the world which is laid of not so soft road ahead.

Failing to be a mother

I have been on a long break all these weeks. Its been almost a month since i blogged something about the relationship between me and my daughter. I was dumped on the ground because of depression and though i was out of it a bit, now am once again getting the blows. Not sleeping properly, not eating on time, failing to do the daily chores and most important .... skipping the regular feeds for my angel, i am becoming a walking corpse day by day. Still i manage to hide all of this from my dear husband as he totally disapproves of my actions. He keeps telling me that "when rape is inevitable, just relax and enjoy" ... Also he feels that if you are here to live your karma, you have to tolerate it. Else better die and leave this earth. Very true to our situation as on date. Both of us are struggling to live life to the fullest, in our own ways. He is finding it difficult to cope up with his office work and me. So i have made up my mind, not to disturb him with my worries too. The moment i hear the calling bell and the musical knocks on the door, every night, i immediately have a mask on my face. The mask that makes him feel,  "my wife is normal now". I know that he is crying inside, and he knows very well that i am crying inside. Still both of us move around the house, and in our lives to falsely believe either of us is normal.

There are times that i laugh too, but the moment i realise that i am laughing (be it some joke or humourous movie scenes i am watching on tv), i feel guilty. How can i smile, laugh and be merry when the apple of my eye is at a place far off from where i am?????? Isn't this fake???? My friends who brought me up from depression weeks back, found out that i am happy only when i am depressed. Yes, they are intelligent enough to find that out. I love to be in the vacuum created by the absence of my daughter and i wish not to come out to breathe air. Once air enters, vacuum disappears. So let me enjoy this silence that is available free of cost at my house.

Is it enough to just enjoy the silence?????? if i need to put this silence into use, i need to communicate with my daughter, who is there to listen and answer my prayers. ok. How to communicate with her???? The answer is very simple. Take care of her by giving her the feeds on time. Am i doing this right????

N-O ... NO. Yes i am not doing it and i am ashamed of not doing it. How can i be so mean in taking care of of my MOTHER, who gave me her life to survive. She has protected me from danger, all the time, she was there with me, Still she is protecting me and my family. Is this what it is to be a mother???????? NO. A true mother is one who cares for her children all the time with all the heart and love she has in her. This way i am not being a true mother and i have nothing in my heart... leave alone the doubt whether i have one.

Leading a life as per my wishes and go, i am putting my daughter in trouble. She is not with me physically. This doesn't mean she doesn't have a soul. The soul which is guiding me and my husband in our day to day life, has to be taken care of. I have read in the books of Dr. Brian Weiss that pain and sufferings are very much physical. Once the body reaches the soul state, there is always a feeling of calmness and happiness. Enlightenment and Acceptance come in, and the soul keeps on learning until it reaches the ONE. I am sure my daughter is the ONE for me and my husband. We look forward to her for all our answers for the troubles that we are going through. Still she comes to our rescue at difficult times and protect us from the harmful world that  we live in. All this act of hers need to be duely rewarded. That reward can be done my only one person, and that is me. I have to reward her for giving back my life without any pain during my labour hours. Am i being honest in returning the luck that i am enjoying?????????? There is no compulsion that i have to reward for everything that i am blessed with. But for her, i have to be a true mother and a true worshipper who whole heartedly surrenders and submits herself to her GODDESS. When will i be ???? More important, WILL I BE???????????

Need strength to face the dreams

Nowadays i am a bit lazy or not too interested in doing things... thanks to depression.. which is eating me live.... sometimes for days together. This is like an epidemic which has conquered me even when i am fighting it strong and has caught  hold of my smile and movements around the house. For days to gether, i am sitting in front of the computer glaring at empty webpages....burning dishes left uncared on the kitchen counter....

                           DEPRESSION

What is wrong with me... i am not thinking about my daughter, for i am not helping her with her regular feeds on time. Suddenly i realise that it past her feeding time and by criticising and tolerating myself, i gather up to feed her something or the other. All this worries me a lot, as i am failing to be a complete mother. The past few weeks had been wonderful for one thing that happened very often..... I was dreaming and was living with more dreams as the weeks rolled by.

The nostalgia of my daughter and her company and the strength that she was keeps me going till date and whenever i yearn to touch her and be by her side..... she blesses me with her presence.

There are many such instances that happened in the past few weeks and i shall go on to describe them one after the other...

The guilt of not saving her from her critical surgery was haunting me and as usual i was discussing with her this topic of being a stupid mother. This probably was my last conversation with her for that day and soon i must have slept.... though i dont remember when i closed my eyes. I was in my grandpa's house and my mother was there, feeding her grand daughter. She is cajoling my daughter by carrying her in her hips...feeding her the favourite mashy mashy curd rice.. My naughty lil one is refusing to eat properly and suddenly i hear a growling very close by. To my shock, it was a wild animal...a cheetah in white colour... After all dreams are colourful and you can dream anything colourful...

This cheetah is hiding it self near the walls of the compound and is very angry as it is hungry. It is watching my daughter closely, as she is having her lunch... this cheetah too which wants to have it lunch is slowly getting up from its tired slumber and moves forward... I am more worried and not being a brave woman, am very afraid and scared by this wild animal's presence. The gigantic paws and the fierce looking eyes scare my life out of me...still when it comes to my child, i need to take a bold step... i whisper to my mother to take shelter in our neighbour's house as the cheetah is about to leap ... my mother, in order to save my child, cover her in her saree and very quickly cross the steel barrier between the two houses and enters my neighbour's garden. The cheetah, on seeing all this action, gets up in all fours and leaps the barrier at a wink of the eye.... Am totally stunned as i have no idea what is happening and shout out loud "OH BABY" ...soon i realise that this cheetah has taken the form of a bull -  white bull..  whether i saved my daughter ??????????? NO ..... I woke up in the middle of my sleep and couldn't sleep for the next few minutes as i couldn't believe it to be a dream...

Later, after that nightmare, i drank some water to forget it and to console myself that it was only a dream and my angel is safe in her bed in heaven, i go back to bed. Now there are some other string of thoughts and i am disturbed again.... this time it was my in-laws.... The whole family has got together on some occassion and every one is very curious to know about my daughter...the way she behaves, her illness and her deficiencies...all this they want to know, not to help me...but to enjoy a good gossip. My child, my angel is taken for a ride, her illness is ignored and she is being treated as a toy in their hands... my relative is pouring little drops of water on her head and is enjoying it dripping by her eyes...she is enjoying it though, even without realising that she is being made fun of.. i am helpless as even my husband is not supporting me in caring for my child....i am weeping through out and finally muster the courage to lift my child from those iron hands and hearts..... Did i save my child ???????? I DON'T KNOW.....

The above two incidents tell me one thing....i am psychologically wounded.... i am more attached to my daughter as she was my MOTHER in the sense, she gave me my second birth.

She dared to risk her life to bring me back to life. She cared enough for me, not to torture me with knife cuts and came out naturally. She was not a Caesar baby. Both of us share the same birthstar and she responded to each and every request of mine, when she was in my womb. Even her birth timing was requested by me and she obliged...

Secondly my in laws did not appreciate her ....first she was the only girl child in the family after their own daughter... all the other grandchildren being boys. Here too she resembles me, as i was the first girl child after my mom in her family .. also i was the first girl baby in my father's family too, my cousins being boys...

My in-laws mostly compared my angel with the other boys in the family..which i hate very much..each child in the family is different and each child to the same mother also is different. People who are civilised and cultured must be able to understand this even if they are illiterates. They always looked at her as an exhibition product...never have they come forward to help me .... even when she was with them for a shorter time... so much to say..but i think i shall stop here as i don't want to discuss such negative vibes of mine here....

All this has left a wound in me that even in my dreams i am troubled by their ..... don't know what to say behaviour...

Still i need more strength and courage to face this as.... i can live with my daughter, only in my dreams. MISS MY LITTLE ANGEL A LOT <3

Happy to be with my li'l one

This post is due long back....was being drafted in my mind since 3 weeks...so finally sat down to post it tonight

My little angel always visits me in my dream, when i am totally immersed in nostalgia...I talk to her all the time, all through day and night. I see her in whatever i do...i cook meals to her taste and the two of us - me and my husband enjoy it whole heartedly. Nowadays, the taste of the food or its appearance doesnt matter to us...it is just the food, be it anything to feed the stomach during hunger. So this night, when i was thinking of her and talking to her though not aloud, she blessed me with her touch, smile and her body and soul. She was hungry and wanted curd rice...her favourite. I mashed the rice with hand and was feeding her, while she enjoyed every mouthful, sitting on my lap. Finally she started to regurgitate and i stopped feeding her..she is too small to know for herself as to howmuch is enough and i am too immature to know how much her tummy can hold. I wipe her mouth as she hates something sticky...jus like her mother :)

As she came to me as an infant, she wanted mother's milk to feel full...babies always yearn for this, atleast a drop to satisfy themselves :-) even after they feel full. I LOVE TO FEED HER as she was weak otherwise.. didnt bother troubling myself expressing it most of the times...even my mom would make fun of me that i am exerting myself toomuch..but i enjoyed this. every moment i did this. afterall what is a mother for??  Also i was adamant to feed her every drop of my blood, untill she disliked it. So got myself ready to feed her the manna.. Only then did i notice that she opened her mouth to show me one grain of curd rice, sticking to her tongue... She is always naughty, though she might not know what she is upto..it allows me to enjoy every minute with her.



These li'l fingers....i want to hold again in my life



I don't know what to write and how to write...tonight my thoughts are disturbed and it reflects in this post, i know. Already troubled with the nostalgia of the days spent with her -  both good and bad, i am in a mood to let out my feelings here, now. Everyday passes like hell to me...there are days when i have been reluctant in doing my duties to her, not because she is not here, but because i did not want to. I dont feed her, so i dont eat anything. At times, i am damn hungry when i think too much about her.. I eat a lot. I stuff myself with all that is edible. Finally, when everything calms, down i realise what i have done to myself. This happens often and is irreversible as of now. Sometimes i enjoy being hungry and think of how it would be to be in hunger. I want to go through the pain that she went through to understand things better. Even all that put me off earlier, are bliss to me now.. have become more tolerant and patient than ever in my life. Lessons learned from my lil angel....  In a way i gain energy in calling her name when i am unable to complete a task.

I think of her in all that i do...when i feel pain, i think of her ...the days and ways i put her to those punishing therapy lessons. Actually she was not in need of all that...everything that was earthly...dress, walking, talking, anger all that stuff which is materialistic. She was always in constant contact with the ONE...murmuring something and doing some actions, which might not seem to be ok for people like us who think we are "normal", but when you read between lines, every action of hers had a deeper message to convey. Today, when i talk to her, she reciprocates in some form or the other. Daily i pray to her first thing in the morning after wishing her and when i call her to show me where she is....there she flies in the open, bright morning sky, fluttering her wings happily in the air -  as a sparrow, in the sparrow. She tells me not to worry and that she is there whenever i think of her, whenever i want to see her. Also this has an  underlying meaning....she is free from this world.. free from pain...free as a bird...flying high in the vast space where everything seems to be blissful and happy and fun and cheer.

Waking up to see this beautiful scene everyday, keeps me going in a way. I feel, though the going is tough, the tough keeps going....by this i mean, that living is very difficult for the two of us, still the grief period is not over, it is continuing....